Cow's Notes

Out, damn spot!

2010-05-23T15:00:00Z

Out, damn spot!

Where did my baldness come from? The same thing on which I blame my
deafness: years of wearing headphones?

Well, my grandfather is a cue ball (Not literally, mind you. Billiard balls don't reproduce).

I stopped taking all medications five years ago because I didn't want my future children to be "special" in a bad way.

Zoysia--like my baldness--creeps onward. I don't see it unless I take my wife's handmirror and juxtapose it just right to view its hideous reflection.

Female hair all-over was the rage when I used to sneak a peek at my other brother's magazines with innocuous names like Club, High Society, and Oui. The Brazilians ruined all that though.

The Devil's evolutionists tell us bald men will be the rage in 4010, which is. of little help to me circa right now. Some do-gooder asked me to shave my head so the hair could be used to soak up oil in the Gulf. My ego wouldn't allow me to admit I don't have enough to soak up the oil in a single car garage.

I was getting up from the altar at my church after kneeling in prayer and some heathen had the chutzpah to comment, "nice bald spot". That effrontery was compounded by its lack of originality and my vulnerable nature at that time. I also couldn't think of a proper comeback beyond, "Oh yeah?" until I reached the car.

I've made a career of slamming everybody and yet--when it's me--well, it's just not right!!

Love Stinks

2010-01-12T16:00:00Z

IA Man Spells Out Wife's Birthday Message in Manure
ZWINGLE, Iowa - Ask this Iowa wife if she got the perfect birthday present and she'll tell you her hubby "dung good."

Carole and Dick Kleis live together on their eastern Iowa farm. This year for her birthday, Dick used more than 120,000 pounds of manure to spell out a special message. It basically says 'Happy Birthday, Love You,' but in shorthand.

And it only took three hours to spell it all out in a stinky, but mushy way.
"It's not hard," said Kleis. "Any manure will work but the good, soft, gushy, warm stuff works the best. It kind of melts the snow."

Carole say Dick's birthday is in May and she's already thinking of ways to beat out his gift.

An H.G. Wells' Time Machine Trip to Obama's America

2010-01-12T14:38:00Z

People who are asleep in a psychotic trance live in a phenomenal world in which they feel no sense of responsibility for what is happening. These people believe--like the Eloi in H.G. Wells' The Time Machine--that someone will take care of all of their problems, that someone will be there to give them food, shelter, health care, and supply their needs with no end.

But these people don't see that because they have exchanged freedom for false security that their world is being stolen, their children are being consumed, and their rights are being plundered right in front of their eyes!

DEER-GARITA RECIPE

2009-07-06T09:00:00Z

DEER-GARITA RECIPE
3 oz. Tequila
1 can frozen concentrated lime aid
2 cans of lager beer chilled as cold as possible

DIRECTIONS:
1. Add Tequila and frozen lime aid to a 2 liter container or jug and stir until combined. (don't add any water or juice)
2. Add beer and mix.
3. Pour into Margarita glasses.

MANCOW'S LIFE TRANSFORMING ADVICE ON HOW YOU CAN PROGRAM YOUR MIND WITH PRAYER

2009-06-15T09:00:00Z

Keep your conscious mind busy with the expectation of the best, and make sure the thoughts you habitually think are based on things that are lovely, true, just, and of good.

Ideas Worth Remembering:
1. Prior to sleep, turn over a specific request to your subconscious mind and prove its miracle-working power to yourself.
2. The law of action is universal. Your thought is action. Watch your thoughts!
3. All frustration is due to unfulfilled desires. If you dwell on obstacles, delays, and difficulties, your subconscious mind responds accordingly, so you are blocking your own good.
4. Keep your mind busy with the expectation of the best, and your subconscious will faithfully reproduce your habitual thinking.
5. Imagine a happy ending to a problem, feel the thrill of accomplishment and what you imagine and feel will be accepted by your subconscious mind and bring it to pass.

What things soever ye desire, when ye pray believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. MARK 11:24

As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.

All things are possible to him that believeth. MARK 9:23

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. MATTHEW 7:7

The "thank-you" technique - The Bible recommends that we make known our request with praise and thanksgiving. Extraordinary results follow. The thankful hear is always close to the creative forces of the universe, causing countless blessings to flow toward it by the law of reciprocal relationship, based on a cosmic law of action and reaction.

The thankful heart is always close to riches.
Give thanks for all your blessings several times a day. Pray for peace, happiness, and prosperity of all members of your family, your associates, and all people everywhere.

We're God's people, his well tended sheep enter with the passwords: Thank you!" PSALM 100:4

What you decree and feel as true will come to pass. Decree harmony, health, peace, and abundance.

Your subconscious is the builder of your body and is on the job 24 hours a day. You interfere with its life-giving patterns by negative thinking.

New cells....you build a new body every eleven months. Change your body by changing your thoughts and keeping them changed.

Thoughts of jealousy, fear, worry, and anxiety tear down and destroy your nerves and glands bringing about mental and physical diseases of all kinds.

The principle reasons for failure are: Lack of confidence and too much effort.

The right answer is inevitable when your thoughts are positive, constructive, and loving.

If you get into a taxi and give a half dozen different directions to the driver in five minutes, he would become hopelessly confused and probably would refuse to take you anywhere. It is the same when working with your subconscious mind. There must be a clear-cut idea in your mind.

Had a furnace repairman over..... He charged two hundred dollars for fixing the boiler. He said, "I charged five cents for the missing bolt and one hundred ninety-nine dollars and ninety-five cents for knowing what was wrong."

You will find your intellect trying to get in the way and telling you that you can't do things, but persist in maintaining a simple, childlike, miracle-making faith.

Experiment: Pray for me and I will pray for you today. (MATT 18:19 says, If two of you shall agree, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.)

Imagination is your most powerful faculty. Imagine what is lovely and of good. You are what you imagine yourself to be.

Having financial difficulties? It means you have not convinced your subconscious mind that you will always have plenty and some to spare. Do not strive to slave. Do not believe the only way you can become wealthy is by hard labor. It is not so; the effortless way of life is the best. Do the thing you love to do, and do it for the joy and thrill of it.

Make this practical statement frequently, (particularly prior to sleep): "By day and by night I am being prospered in all of my interests." (This prayer works.)

A common stumbling block to wealth - There is one emotion which is the cause of the lack of wealth in the lives of many. Most people learn this the hard way. It is envy. For example, if you see a competitor depositing large sums of money in the bank, and you have only a meager amount to deposit, does it make you envious? The way to overcome this emotion is to say to yourself, "Isn't it wonderful! I rejoice in that man's prosperity. I wish for him greater and greater wealth." To entertain envious thoughts is devastating because it places you in a very negative position; therefore, wealth flows from you instead of to you.

Trying to accumulate wealth by the sweat of your brow and hard labor is one way to become the richest man in the graveyard.

Repeat the word, "Wealth," to yourself slowly and quietly for about five minutes prior to sleep and your subconscious will bring wealth to pass in your experience.

You can overcome any mental conflict regarding wealth by affirming frequently, "By day and by night I am being prospered in all of my interests."

Envy and jealousy are stumbling blocks to the flow of wealth. Rejoice in the prosperity of others.

It is your right to be rich. You are here to lead the abundant life and be happy, radiant, and free. You should, therefore, have all the money you need to lead a full, happy, and prosperous life. You are here to grow, expand, and unfold spiritually, mentally, and materially. You have the inalienable right to fully develop and express yourself along all lines. You should surround yourself with beauty and luxury.

You lose what you condemn. You cannot attract what you criticize. Don't criticize successful people around you.

Here is a simple technique you may use to multiply money in your experience. Use the following statements several times a day, "I like money, I love it, I use it wisely, constructively, and judiciously. Money is constantly circulating in my life. I release it with joy, and it returns to me multiplied in a wonderful way. It is good and very good. Money flows to me in avalanches of abundance. I use it for good only, and I am grateful for my good and for the riches of my mind."

What we think and feel, we create. We create what we believe.

Thought fused with feeling equals results.

Success means successful living. When you are peaceful, happy, joyous, and doing what you love to do, you are successful.

Find out what you love to do, then do it. If you don't know your true expression, ask for help, and the lead will come.

There is no true success without peace of mind.

Keep on turning the problem over every night to the subconscious mind prior to sleep. Pray. Meditate. Rewire your mind.

Your mental attitude, (i.e., the way you think, feel, and believe) determines your destiny. Through scientific prayer, mold, fashion and create your own future.

Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

If you are worried that you will not wake up on time, suggest to your subconscious mind prior to sleep the exact time you wish to arise, and it will awaken you.

Your subconscious never sleeps. It is always on the job. It controls all your vital functions. Forgive yourself and everyone else before you go to sleep, and healing will take place more rapidly.
Your "now" was spoken by you into existence in your past.

Your future is in your mind now, based on your habitual thinking and beliefs. Claim good, and your future will be wonderful. Believe it. Accept it. Expect the best, and the best will come to you.

A wife nags because she gets no attention. It is a craving for love and affection. Give your wife attention, and show appreciation.

Ladies - Never try to make your husband over. These attempts are always foolish and destroy pride and self-esteem. It arouses a spirit of resentment that proves fatal to the marriage bond. Cease trying to make someone a second edition of you.

One very important point about being happy: You must sincerely desire to be happy. There are people who have been unhappy so long that they have become accustomed to old mental patterns and - do not feel at home being happy! They long for the former, depressed, unhappy state.

You must choose happiness. Happiness is a habit. It is a good habit to ponder often on Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good; if there be any praise, think on these things.

When you open your eyes in the morning, say to yourself, "I choose happiness today. I choose success today; say to yourself, I choose happiness today. I choose success today. I choose right action today. I choose love and good will for all today. I choose peace today." Do this and you have chosen happiness.

By dwelling on thoughts of fear, worry, anger, hate, and failure, you will become very depressed and unhappy. Remember, your life is what your thoughts make of it.

Misery love company? Get negative folks out of your life! - The hateful, frustrated, distorted, and twisted personality is out of tune and resents those who are peaceful, happy, and joyous. Usually he criticizes, condemns, and vilifies those who have been very good and kind to him. You wanna get better? Get around better!

For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. PROVERBS 23:7

When your attention wanders, bring it back to the contemplation of your good or goal. Make a habit of this. This is disciplining the mind.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Do the thing you are afraid to do, and the death of fear is certain."

Fear is man's greatest enemy. It is behind failure, sickness, and bad human relations. Love casts out fear. Love is an emotional attachment to the good things of life. Fall in love with honesty, integrity, justice, good will, and success. Live in the joyous expectancy of the best, and the best will come to you.

We are born with only two fears, the fear of falling and the fear of noise. All your other fears we acquire. Get rid of them.

The things you fear exist except as thoughts in your mind. Job said, "The thing I feared has come upon me." Think good and good follows.

Welcome the advancing years. It means you are moving higher on the path of life which has no end.

Gray hairs are an asset. You are not selling gray hairs. You are selling your talent, abilities, and wisdom which you have garnered through the years.

You grow old when you cease to dream.

You are a son of Infinite Life which knows no end. You are a child of Eternity. You are wonderful! Today live your dream.

A magnetized piece of steel will lift about twelve times its own weight, and if you demagnetize this same piece of steel, it will not even lift a feather. Similarly, there are two types of men. There is the magnetized man who is full of confidence and faith. He knows that he is born to win and to succeed. Then, there is the type of man who is demagnetized. He is full of fears and doubts. Become magnetized through prayer.

Think on whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. PHIL. 4:8

Think good, and good follows. Think evil, and evil follows. You are what you think all day long.

Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. MATT. 21:22

All things are possible to him that believe. MARK 9:23

By their fruits ye shall know them.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. MATTHEW 7:7

Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

A money prayer: I am one with the infinite riches of my subconscious mind. It is my right to be rich, happy, and successful. Money flows to me freely, copiously, and endlessly. I am forever conscious of my true worth. I give of my talents freely, and I am wonderfully blessed financially. It is wonderful!

According to your belief is it done unto you. MATT. 9:29

Prayer for prior to sleep: "My toes are relaxed, my ankles are relaxed, my abdominal muscles are relaxed, my heart and lungs are relaxed, my hands and arms are relaxed, my neck is relaxed, my brain is relaxed, my face is relaxed, my eyes are relaxed, my whole mind and body are relaxed. I fully and freely forgive everyone, and I sincerely wish for them harmony, health, peace, and all the blessing of life. I am at peace, I am poised, serene, and calm. I rest in security and in peace. A great stillness is over me, and a great calm quiets my whole being as I realize the Divine Presence within me. I know that the realization of life and love heals me. I wrap myself in the mantle of love and fall asleep filled with good will for all. Throughout the night peace remains with me, and in the morning I shall be filled with life and love. A circle of love is drawn around me. I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. I sleep in peace, I wake in joy, and in Him I live, move, and have my being."

Every Morning/ Choose Happiness: "Divine order takes charge of my life today and every day. All things work together for good for me today. This is a new and wonderful day for me. There will never be another day like this one. I am divinely guided all day long, and whatever I do will prosper. Divine love surrounds me, enfolds me, and enwraps me, and I go forth in peace. Whenever my attention wanders away from that which is good and constructive, I will immediately bring it back to the contemplation of that which is lovely and good. I am a spiritual and mental magnet attracting to myself all things which bless and prosper me. I am going to be a wonderful success in all my undertakings today. I am definitely going to be happy all day long."

Marcus Aurelius, the great Roman philosopher and sage, said, "A man's life is what his thoughts make of it."

Emerson, America's foremost philosopher, said, "A man is what he thinks all day long." The thoughts you habitually entertain in your mind have the tendency to actualize themselves in physical conditions.

The Golden Rule in human relations: (MATT. 7:12), All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, do ye even so to them.

For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. PROVERBS 23:7.

Want the best? Pray for it! "I realize I am one with the infinite intelligence of my subconscious mind which knows no obstacle, difficulty, or delay. I live in the joyous expectancy of the best. My deeper mind responds to my thoughts. I know that the work of the infinite power of my subconscious cannot be hindered. Infinite intelligence always finishes successfully whatever it begins. Creative wisdom works through me bringing all my plans and purposes to completion. Whatever I start, I bring to a successful conclusion. My aim in life is to give wonderful service, and all those whom I contact are blessed by what I have to offer. All my work comes to full fruition in divine order."

JUST A SEASON

2009-06-08T09:00:00Z

We live in the environment of fear.
Don't buy into it. Good wins. Good wins!
We are the light.
We will bring back common sense and cowboy logic.
We will be there to sweep up after the world explodes.
Let the others cheat, steal, and gossip.
Bad things feel good- for a season.
I won't lie to you. Sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll - Great Fun.
For a Season. But then?

You'll find your life in tatters and shortened. Cheat? It feels good - for a season. Sex feels good. How good will it feel when your kids are gone and you are spending Christmas with your kids and there latest step-daddy? Keep it in your pants! You know the right things to do....Do it.

Ladies, bored raising kids? Same old husband in bed? A guy is flirting you up at work? That guy on Twitter and Facebook making you feel young and sexy again? It feels good "for a season." Uh oh. Give thanks to your husband, kids, and the roof over your head. Click off the computer and go talk to your kids. Take authority over your life. Don't let the playas whisper. You decide what you are. This life isn't just you! This is not your name! You affect your children. You affect those around you.

"Don't surround yourself with yourself." - Jon Anderson of Yes

Think long-term, for a season. You may be in the winter of your life, but summer is on its way if you start doing good right now. Speak good. Do good.

I DON'T WEEP FOR "KILLER" TILLER!

2009-06-08T09:00:00Z

Abortion we can debate but late term abortion is murder. Period.

The Hippocratic Oath:
"I SWEAR in the presence of the Almighty and before my family, my teachers and my peers that according to my ability and judgment I will keep this Oath and Stipulation. I will treat without exception all who seek my ministrations, so long as the treatment of others is not compromised. I will neither prescribe nor administer a lethal dose of medicine to any patient even if asked nor counsel any such thing nor perform the utmost respect for every human life from fertilization to natural death and reject abortion that deliberately takes a unique human life."

This means that "Killer" Tiller violated the Hippocratic Oath 60,000 times. He began doing late term murders in 1974. That's an average of 1,739 a year to date. That is an average of 5 a day for everyday of the year. Of course, his extermination factory wasn't open every day so the average per day would be more. I was premature as were my twin daughters. Obama & Tiller would say we aren't "lives." 60,000 lives are more than the 37,000 victims that were murdered at the Pawiak prison complex run by the Gestapo during Hitler's reign.

Where is the outrage that a Holocaust is being conducted in this country? Where is America anymore? I don't recognize my country anymore. This isn't the great land I grew up in. Have I been swept up into a savage mirror universe like on "Star Trek?"

"Well...uh...late term abortion is legal in Kansas and abortion is legal in the United States."

Obama condemns the Holocaust but says to weep for Tiller. "But late term abortion is legal," says you?

Yeah, well murdering Jews and Slavic persons under the rule of Nazi Germany was legal too. Legal doesn't make it ok to murder. Slavery was legal, remember?

"Abortions are necessary for the health of the mother." Getting rid of Jews "was better for the purity of race and the German nation."

In a late term abortion you still have to deliver the baby. Evil beasts like Tiller, our bloodthirsty president, and the unfit mothers that choose to murder the child first are on the wrong side of this argument.

Mancow Leading Charge To Vote Patti Blagovich Off!

2009-06-01T20:28:00Z

Mancow Leading Charge To Vote Patti Blagojevich Off!

Wife Of Ousted Illinois Ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich, Joins Cast of NBC Show "I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here" And Mancow Wants Her Gone!

"How much more embarrassment does Illinois have to suffer from the behavior of the Blagojevich's?"

Chicago, IL, June 1, 2009... Erich "Mancow" Muller, host of the nationally syndicated radio show, "The Mancow Experience," and Chicago's WLS' "The Mancow and Cassidy Show" is enraged that Patti Blagojevich will be featured in a primetime television show.

"Haven't we suffered enough from the outrageous behavior of the Blagojevich family? Ex-Governor Blago ran the state into the ground and embarrassed the good citizens of the great state of Illinois. Blago is facing racketeering charges after allegedly trying to sell or trade favors to fill Barack Obama's Senate seat. Isn't that bad enough? Now we have to see his expletive ranting wife on TV? I say and emphatic 'NO', Join the charge. VOTE PATTI OFF! They shouldn't profit from their scandalous behavior," says Mancow.

Go to www.VotePattiOff.com for all the information on how you can help get the Blago's off our airwaves. "Nobody should profit from their bad deeds," says Mancow. "I hear they get $80,000 per episode. How about splitting that with the people of Illinois?"

"I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here" premiers on June 1 - do your part to get Patti off the show.

Email: MancowNews@aol.com

Bored Bloggers Are All Wet

2009-05-29T09:00:00Z

I am not a magician. Many news cameras were there!

Obviously, it was on the radio and I wasn't in prison. I'm also not a radicalized Muslim terrorist. But it was not a hoax! I repeat: NOT A HOAX.

We kept telling management, the insurance companies, and the local Chicago cops we weren't really going to do it until we did. Otherwise, they weren't gonna let us do it! We got a U.S. Marine that told us he had studied how to do it and he volunteered to waterboard me in return for a mention of his charity.

I was on a decline and I was waterboarded. Was I in chains? No. Does that make it less real? I am failing to get the point attempted by my detractors. We never claimed it was an exact recreation.

The CIA technique is exactly what we did:

1. Keep the chest elevated above the head and neck to keep the lungs "above the waterline."

2. Incline the head, both to keep the throat open and to present the nostrils for easier filling.

3. Force the mouth open so that water can be poured into both the nose and mouth.

Sorry, I thought for years it wasn't torture and now I do. The video is there for all to see.

The left has taken my message and distorted it as well. Would I wanterboard to save my daughters (or any American children)? Yes!

The three terrorists that were waterboarded at Guantanamo were done so by military professionals. And it was done to save lives with America's best interests at heart. Mine was a silly radio time filler in comparison. Its apples & hand grenades!

It would be insane to equate what I did with anything that happens in prison. I am simply a free man in a radio studio that always tries to get inside the big issues. This is an ugly issue with no easy answers. But I now see it's easier for some to dismiss me than to do any real soul searching on this very heady issue.

Drew Peterson and Dennis Hoff on The Mancow Show

2009-05-06T09:00:00Z

Drew Peterson and Dennis Hoff on The Mancow Show

Drew Peterson on "Cathouse" will he let his kids watch? "NO."

Prostitute Air Force Amy wants to sleep with Drew.

Drew may be offered a job as a security officer at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch because of his background in law enforcement.

The owner of the "Bunny Ranch" feels he can identify with Drew Peterson because he too has been characterized as a villain un-fairly.

Drew's airfare and a limo will be paid for by the brothel.

Dennis Hoff (owner of the brothel) days the girls all think Drew Peterson is "sexy."

Dennis Hoff plans to offer Drew a job (of some sort) to be part of the hit HBO reality show "Cathouse."

Drew feels going to the brothel is "every heterosexual mans fantasy."

Drew also expressed that getting away from the media and all of his troubles in Illinois & relocating to Nevada would be a "fresh new start" and "a breath of fresh air."

Bad Times Don't have to Make you Bad

2009-02-23T10:00:00Z

On our tomb is our birth date & death date. There's not much in that space between those years. A dash the size of a few inches only. Maybe. Life goes by so quickly. One life is but a vapor. How are you going to fill it? What are you going to do between these birth & death dates. Remember, you are the head not the tail. You decide how you do. Your attitude equals your altitude. And sometimes your problems are your promotions. Look at all your little problems and you will see how they got you to better places. Your problems promoted you to the next level in your life. That pink-slip may just get you to the next level. Don't loose sight of where you are going. Don't get caught up in the mundane. Let all the others be negative. The world loves the negative. Let others be hateful. Let them curse you. Smile and remember where you are going! Kids that aren't loved aren't disciplined. This "trouble" you are in isn't punishment it's a lesson. You only get better by learning. As a child you didn't understand "don't play with fire." You thought your parents were just being mean. No! They were helping you! Now you know! You didn't like your parents or the lesson at the time it was happening. So you are going through tough times. But are you learning? You are getting better. Your problems are your promotions in life. Focus on the donut not the hole.

The 10 Goriest Films Ever

2009-02-19T10:00:00Z

Fox News tried to put together a list of The 10 Goriest Films Ever. They FAILED. Pretty miserably at that. But you can check it out anyway if you'd like . . . Click Here.

(--They got ONE thing right: Peter Jackson's "Dead Alive" IS the goriest movie of all time. There's very little room for debate there. But the rest of the list is mostly a JOKE.)

(--Have these people never heard of "The Beyond"??? "Cannibal Holocaust"??? And how do you justify "Night of the Living Dead" but not the original, 1978 version of "Dawn of the Dead"???)

(--Seriously . . . this is a list of gory movies compiled by people who KNOW NOTHING ABOUT GORY MOVIES. If you want to school yourself in gore flicks, maybe this list can provide a jumping-off point for the novice . . . but otherwise, it's WEAK.)

Just Do the Good

2009-02-16T10:00:00Z

Joshua 1:9
Someone told me "Joel Olsteen smiles too much." Wow. You try to encourage people & they'll hate you. Someone asked me if I was a "shock jock." I dunno. A shock jock says things just to get attention. That's not what I do. But no matter what you do people will hate you. I'm a man. I'm white. I'm American. I love America. I go to church. I love my kids. Someone listening was offended by each one of those things I just said. So I know that I know that I know who I am. I just try to do good and let the rest takes care of itself.

Double Minded

2009-02-16T10:00:00Z

Double Minded?
A double minded man is a destroyed man. "Divide and conquer?" The enemy try's to split our attention. Single minded focused people move mountains. Divided people are torn up from the floor up. "Where there is no vision people perish." David vs. Goliath? Maybe I'm just a punk taking on giants but I am single-minded in my simple quest to do good. I speak to the positive. I speak to the way I want things to be. There is power in that for us all. Speak positive. Speak encouragement. Your past doesn't equal your future! Do good.

The Mancow Stimulus Package

2009-02-12T10:00:00Z

THE MANCOW STIMULUS PACKAGE:

1.No bailout for anything.

2.Give every USA family $55,000 dollars; this is equivalent to 800 billion.

3.Make depreciation of capitol equipment 12 months instead of 60 months.

4.Make leasehold improvements to be depreciated over 5 years instead of 15.

5.Eliminate lawyer's ability to sue for medical errors. (make people who undergo surgery sign a no sue contract that acknowledges risk with being cut open)

6.This will reduce the cost of health care by 75% and thus reduce insurance costs.

7.Eliminate guaranteed retirement income and life health care for government and state employees who retire after 30 years, we don't get it why should they.

8.Tax credits for every new job you can prove that is created and lasts at least 1 year.

9.Make unions and organized labor competitive.

10.Eliminate minimum wage to bring un-skilled manufacturing jobs back to America.

11. 35% reduction in every government office, group, agency in the entire country, straight line cut of their entire budget!

Quit telling everybody they deserve homes, cars, medicine, as many kids as they want without penalty, and no accountability. This creates false expectations.

Make America accountable, let the businesses fail that must fail. Let free enterprise prevail. Free enterprise and free market is far more efficient and far more effective then government.

Mancow Song Suggestions

2009-01-09T10:00:00Z

Mancow 'Sez "You must listen to the full version of both songs to appreciate the full cheese goodness"

The Kings - Switching to Glide
Soft Cell - Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go.

Some Bastard Russian Professor is Predicting the End of U.S.!

2009-01-08T10:00:00Z

In Moscow, Igor Panarin's Forecasts Are all the Rage; "America Disintegrates in 2010."

Igor Panarin has been interviewed as much as twice a day about his predictions on Ruskie TV. A former KGB analyst, he is dean of the Russian Foreign Ministry's academy for future diplomats. He is invited to Kremlin receptions, lectures students, publishes books, and appears in the media as an expert on the U.S. A polite and cheerful man with a buzz cut. Mr. Panarin insists he does not dislike Americas. But he warns that the outlook for them is dire. He says, "though Russia will become more powerful on the global stage its economy would suffer because it currently depends heavily on the dollar and on trade with the U.S. Mass immigration, economic decline, and moral degradation will trigger a civil war next fall and the collapse of the dollar." Around the end of June 2010, or early July, he says, the U.S. will break into six pieces-with Alaska reverting to Russian control. He predicts economic and demographic trends will provoke a political and social crisis in the U.S . When the going gets tough, he says, wealthier states will withhold funds from the federal government and effectively secede from the union. Social unrest including a civil war drawn down racial & economic lines will follow. The U.S. will indeed divide along ethnic lines. And foreign powers will move in. California will form the nucleus of "The Californian Republic," and will be under Chinese influence. Texas will be the heart of "The Texas Republic," a cluster of states that fall under Mexican influence. Washington, D.C. and New York will be part of "Atlantic America" that will join the European Union. Canada will grab a group of Northern states called "The Central North American Republic." Hawaii, he suggests, will be a Japanese state. Alaska wil l be absorbed into Russia. "It is reasonable for Russia to lay claim to Alaska; it was part of the Russian Empire for a long time." Americans hope President-elect Barack Obama "can work miracles." He says, "but when spring comes, it will be clear that there are no miracles."

My Thoughts as I Reset for 2009

2009-01-04T10:00:00Z

The Norman Hsu Ponzi scheme, Bill Richardson out, Resko, Gov. Rod, Rev. Wright etc. How can Obama be an eagle when he hangs with fleas? I am one Libertarian that wants this guy Obama to soar. We need it. I got kids AND want America strong. I pray for Barack but my gut still tells me Chicago style stealing is about to go nation wide.& nbsp; America, you think your taxes are too high and your government is corrupt?!? You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Spent New Years Eve again in Japan. I love the place. The women are either 2's or solid 10's. They hit 40 or 50, and have such resentment against their oppressive men they cut their hair really short and then look like ugly men. Remember, women with short hair fit into one of three categories: Man hater, Lesbian, or cancer victim.

In Japan a weird cultural thing is that they don't cover their mouths when they cough so many wear surgical masks. With that Muslim woman that just killed 38 in a suicide bomb it occurred to me that in this civilized world we must demand people show themselves. "Uh, yeah I'd like to be in a bee keeper's hood for my drivers license photo..." uhhh, no.

If you liked Godzilla as a kid track down, "Daimajin." It's an old school Japanese-guy-in-a-rubber-suit movie only more serious. Also, "Audition" From Japan is one of the great horror movies of all time. It's a few years old now but great. Get the unrated version.

"Let the Right One In" is a new Swedish horror movie. Huh? Sweden? It is brand spanking new and really terrifying. Find it and thank me.

Remember, "Friday the 13th in 3D"? I kept an eye out for it as a kid so I'm somewhat excited about, "My Bloody Valentine in 3D" out soon. Go figure.

I feel on top-o-the world right now about being added to the already stellar line-up on WLS. Working with legend Pat Cassidy has been a mixed blessing. He brings it! He is a pro! He knows what he is talking about but how can he be so wrong sometimes? Examples? Here's two of thousands: he doesn't believe in school choice and is ok with public schools paying kids for grades. Huh? I go into 2009 with great excitement about this radio partnership. He is certainly a step above some of the grunting moron ba rtende r types I've been saddled with in my radio past.

My old Station Q101 continues to languish at the bottom. Bad people getting their just rewards? Perhaps. My legal issues with them continue. I hope it goes to trial in Chicago so their evil can be exposed to, the daylight. "Emmis means truth and that is our company name," they told me. That may have been the last truth they told. (At least it got to seem that way.)

Steve Dahl(Dull) got kicked out on his ass! No month-long salute and waxing poetic about trashing disco covered vinyl just, "Get out!" I hate to see anyone lose their job, but...

For bad people there is a season and then it ends. Evil comes on very loud and flashy and fails miserably every time. That guy at work, that jerk with the tasseled shoes will go bye bye if he keeps acting like an A-hole. It's a global truth. Bad people, no matter how powerful they seem, always fail. So do good in life.

(Right now on my TV Hamas militants are being blown to bits by the brave Israeli infantry.)

Radio stock at .30 cents? Never thought I'd see what I've seen in my world last year. The big business of radio is changing. I selfishly hope for talent to continue to be valued, more innovation, more of the bad, "Suits" exiting, and more groupie action. What? Just kidding honey!

We have lost some stations and gained, even more stations in the last year. The economy is tough and I ain't cheap. Unless we're going to lunch. My syndication (TRN) tells me this will be my best year in radio. I just hope the show entertains and we bring some common sense back into this insane America.

I want to thank you all for feeding my family with your support. Thank you for your love and friendship through the radio. Thank you for constructive emails. I hope we all make each other better people During this race to the grave.

Mancow's Movie Pick

2009-01-03T14:38:00Z

Mancow's Latest Movie Pick:

Let the Right One In

In Theaters Now - A Swedish Horror Movie. Because all great horror movies. come out of Sweden. Huh? This is a good one. Think "Twilight'' blew but you love vampire movies? This is one vampire movie that won't let you down. It sucks in a great way.

Mancow's Picks

2008-12-08T14:38:00Z

Mancow's Latest Music Pick:

Leon Redbone - Christmas Island

Unique, odd and special. Leon just played my 'Lava Lamp Love Lounge' and start to finish it is my favorite Christmas CD. Dr. John also jumps on at one point.

Mancow's Latest DVD Pick:

Evil Dead 3

Bruce was just in. The movie is the movie I most often quote. Silly ham filled fun!

Mancow's Latest Book Picks:

Target: Patton

General Paul Vallely endorses this book so it really makes me believe General Patton was murdered by our government for wanting to go after Russia. Patton [by the way] was right: We should have destroyed Russia.

He is...I say - By Rolling Stones David Wild. He had to stay in the closet about his love of all things Neil Diamond until now. Can't we all admit it finally : Neil Diamond is Awesome? No.

Grandma's Dead: Breaking bad news with baby animals by Amanda McCall - Hilarious! Just hilarious!

Cash for Grades

2008-11-11T14:38:00Z

Paychecks for school work? Grades for cash? Everyone hates stories that start "When I was a kid..." With that being said, when I was a kid my Dad was pretty consistent with me and my brothers. Get home from school, do your chores. Do your school work. Go to bed. We fought him but he was firm. Very routine really, and if I needed a little extra spending doe ray me for movies or a girlfriend? Easy-get a job! I hated my father's old-fashioned approach to parenting. Years later I learned something incredible. Dad was right. How did my brothers & I figure this out? We were the proof. All three of us grew up to be well adapted people ready to function and thrive in the real world, for the most part. The lesson he taught was simple: Hard work gets rewarded. The immediate reward was a good education. The long term benefits more visible. Hard work in school should be its own reward. And I always assumed that others shared that opinion. I was wrong. Arne Duncan, the CEO of Chicago Public Schools, is now for paying public school students cold hard cash for grades that rate average or better. It's called the Paper Project. I call it the toilet paper project. Arne will give a student $50 of our tax dollars for each A, $35 of our tax dollars for a B, and $20 of our tax dollars for a C. A student earning straight A's could get $4000 of our tax dollars. He believes the added incentive will boost their grades. So lift the GPA of students and teach them a sense of entitlement rather than accountability at the same time. Sounds like Socialism to me. I'm scared out of my wits at the thought of a generation of kids whose only motive to graduate is a government pay-off. Professors at the Harvard Business School called Arne's project "bribery." I also think this is added incentive for financial gain will boost the student's desire to cheat. The West Loop has almost 12,000 residents and no public school. Eric Sedler, president of the community has been petitioning the city for over 6 years to get the freedom of educate their children without busing them to the other side of the city. No money. No money for anything in Daley s Chicago yet we have money to blow on paying our students to do something they are supposed to be doing in the first place.

Daley's comments on the "Green for Grades" controversy, one day after the first $265,986 in cash rewards were distributed to 1,650 Chicago Public School students.

"There are a lot of poor kids. Some of them have nothing. Some don't even have parents. They're lucky to get Christmas gifts. They're lucky they get a hug once in a while. They get it at school. They're lucky they have ever a dollar or any coins in their pocket," he said.

"Wealthy parents in the suburban area they give their kids a car. They give them a trip to Hawaii. They send them around the world. They take them to Florida. They take them to California. These [inner-city] kids don't even get out of their homes for many, many years," the mayor said.

This from the same outfit that constantly complain about having underpaid teachers and outdated text books! The idea reeks of corruption too. It's funded by the Broad Group. Ever heard of them? It's a venture created by Eli Broad and pals. Now retired, Board was CEO of Sun America. A subsidiary of AIG! That's right! The same crooks responsible for our recent national financial disaster now want to bribe children for spares effort. My god, I wish I had enough money like our local politicians do to get my kids o ut of these god-awful public schools!

Mancows dumbass of the day

2008-11-04T14:38:00Z

JOAQUIN PHOENIX tried to make a statement about his supposed retirement from acting, by writing "Good Bye!" on his knuckles. Except that he wrote the words on the WRONG KNUCKLES.
Check it out.

Rush and Mancow

2008-10-27T13:38:00Z

Rush co-hosted with me & we came up with this.....

Rush is Mike Ditka
I am Terry Bevington

Rush is The Beatles
I am Kaja Goo Goo

Rush is Michelangelo
I am Cassius Marcellus Coolidge....(the guy who painted "New Year's Eve in Dogville.")

Rush is Gibson's
I am Mr. Beef

Rush is Andrea Bocelli
I am William Hung

Rush is Sid Luckman
I am Cade McNown

Rush is Winnetka
I am Joliet

Rush is Trump Towers
I am Motel 6

Rush is O Hare
I am Palwaki

Rush is Limousine
I am the Red Line

Rush is Michigan Avenue
I am Lower Wacker.

Listen to Mancow's interview with Rush Limbaugh - FREE!

A Voice Silenced

2008-09-30T13:38:00Z

A man we loved to hate is soon to leave the Sun Times to go into self imposed exile. Was he a good man? Don't know. Was he a bad man? Don't know. Was he a bald man? Yes. That much we know. Robert Feder has kept tabs on Chicago media for as long as most of us have been around. I could flip through my scrap books and you'd see him inexplicably getting balder. I finally get to kick him for once & now I don't want to. His was the first page of the paper everyone in the media turned to. It's like how inexplicably everyone drinks ginger ale when traveling by airplane. It just happens. Everyone in media read Feder. It's just the way it was. It's the way I kept track of employees I fired to see where they were working next. Its how we rooted for people we liked. Fowler at WLS. John Gehron with Oprah. The same Oprah that used to send hand written notes seeking Feder's approval. He also kept tabs on people to hate. People like Joel Hollander the (human tick) who drove Chicago's CBS radio stations into the ground like he was the pilot of the Hindenburg. Feder was the scourge of all media baddies.

They reacted to their lies being published in the Sun Times the way vampires react to sun. And they hated him for it. They behaved like the wives of Uriah wanting to keep their sins hidden. Isn't that what great newspaper men used to do? Kup, Royko gone. Marriott threw a temper tantrum & quit. Punk. Ebert is diminished and Feder off to "tiny-umbrella-in-the-drink" land. The new hip Tribune is going to fail so maybe my children will live in a world without big city newspapers after all. He wrote awful things about me sometimes. A bad word from him could send me into an abyss of unhappiness. Yet he was always fair. There are writers that purposely misinterpret your words to hurt you. He never did that. But he'd allow the corporate egotists to commit suicide with their own boasts. In print devastating. He was the hen in the wolf house of modern radio. I never lied to him because he was like Pinocchio's Fairy when it came to lies. He would punish you for corrupting his work. He'd destroy your career. The real reason his departure bums me out? We were the only city in the world were a major writer in a major paper wrote about radio everyday. There was a day when Chicago radio ruled the world.

Feder going off to oblivion means there's nothing more to write about anymore. The fat cats are walking away still zipping up their pants looking for the next industry to rape. He was the canary in the coalmine that's stopped chirping. As he chaise-lounges it the rest of us will just have to slug it out in the fog of uncertainty. There will be no new moon on that masthead. Radio is dead. When the music's over turn out the lights.

Mancow Laws

2008-09-19T13:38:00Z

After years of listening here is my list of Mancow laws.

1) Never date or marry a woman from a divorced family.
2) Death penalty to pedophiles.
3) Callers, burden of conversation is on YOU.
4) Callers, your name is not MANCOW.
5) It's 5 minutes past the hour.
6) Mancow must say "listen, listen", at least 3 times per show.
7) If you are the best in your group of friends, you need new friends.
8) All men cheat, men that don't cheat, can't.
9) No cursing.
10) It *is* possible to be neither republican or democrat.
11) A libertarian is not liberal.
12) No movie out there is better than The Big Lebowski.
13) Every show must play the Bob Dylan song The Man in Me from the Big Lebowski.
14) You do not have to be a loser, you can wake up and start each day knowing you are going to succeed.
15) Never mention the name of past cast members or ex partners that have crossed you.
16) Callers, you can not change your answer after talking to the screener.
17) The answer is C.
18) Dummycrat, not Democrat.
19) The correct way of saying Al Sharpton is Al not too Sharpton.
20) The correct way of saying Jessie Jackson is Jessie Jackass.
21) Bashing on Obama does not mean Mancow supports McCain
22) Bashing on McCain does not mean Mancoe supports Obama.

I am sure there are more.

Mancow on The Great Derangement

2008-09-15T13:38:00Z

Matt is a Liberal writer that I am batshit crazy for. He is that good. With out a doubt if he were to meet me he would hate my guts. He's aloof and too-cool-for-the-room, but dam it he is a great writer! His awakening that everything means nothing is a wondrous journey to be hold. He wants to love Obama (for example) but keeps finding out that he is the same as McCain. He has discovered that most of America is furious at both parties but do n't know how to break free. He, like me, can't believe that rather than stand-up as a majority and fight back people are freaking out into fringe conspiracy groups.. Groups like the 9/11 truthers! I'm leaning towards the Libertarian party while he is trying to reconcile it all. He throws the baby out with Planned Parenthood trash even though it's alive-when it comes to church. Speaking in tongues? He can't figure it out. I can't figure it out. Preaching that is a real stretch he hates. Me too. Although, he is missing the point I feel. He's missing that it is ancient wisdom passed down since man's awakening. People mess everything up & you have to make it work for you. He really does try though. Rolling Stone may have lost Hunter S. Thompson. (And lets be honest, the last twenty years of Hunter was like that of Capote were filled with lots of empty literary promise.) Matt is 2008 in every way. Hunter was before my time. Matt is of the now. Again, he is from a different place than me in everyway yet his talent and ability to make my mind jump through hoops while defending my core beliefs is astounding.

Mancow on Lebowski DVD

2008-09-15T13:38:00Z

Lebowski. Wow, has it aged well!?! It was before it's time wasn't it? I became somewhat addicted to this DVD. (Before that I was hooked on "Reservoir Dogs.") You know those DVD's you just have on in the background and as you pass through the room even fleeting seconds entertain? Lebowski has so many magical moments I missed during its theatrical release. I'm embarrassed to admit that. It came out about the same time as "King Pin" which I preferred as much as shineola over shit. The fact that collectively we all preferred "King Pin" originally I find to be a grotesquerie. How does Lebowski get better every single time? (Same goes for "Apocalypse Now.") John Goodman has never come close to this level of perfection again. Brilliant! Jeff Bridges? Wait. The guy that played Lebowski is the bald-baddie in "Iron Man"? He is such a great actor. (His movie "Fearless" changed my life.) Phillip Seymour Hoffman was an unknown when this came out. Tara Reid was "Bunny" before she became the epitome of the over-the-hill bored-out drunken hideous boob-jobbed skank she is now. "That cute sorority girl might make a good wife." Really? I give you Tara Reid. 10 years since Lebowski show on her like 30 years on that rotting cupid-doll face. Never the less, the movie abides. Pour a White Russian and look upon it with a Wes Andersonish eye for detail. Perfect. And for just me please give a courtesy laugh to my favorite punch line of the flick: "Phones ringing dude."

A recipe for the perfect White Russian

Pres. Bush in China-Well, He's No Nixon.

2008-08-06T13:38:00Z

The Olympics in china: Phooey! Good news for the p.r. Hungry Chinese dictators. Not such good news for their brutalized people. People like Bob Fu who met with president bush last Tuesday. You see Bob was put in a Chinese prison for reading the bible with his friends in his own home. He escaped China & came to America. He begged President Bush to speak up for his oppressed people when he visits china. He pleaded with our president to speak up for a people that get killed if they do. This president has had a lot of tough talk but when it really matters and he is standing there on foreign soil with the world listening, will he take a stand for human rights? Don't count on it Mr. Fu.

You see power loves power. You'll see president bush back-slapping & smiling for photos. Meanwhile, another Tibetian is beaten to death. How dare you Mr. President!

And how dare Mayor Daley of Chicago go there for an eight day suck-up fest. My fellow Chicagoans did you get your city sticker? Did you pay your outrageous property taxes? Did I-pass collect all those toll fees from you today? It breaks my heart to think we all have to work so hard fighting the daily commute, buckling under oppressive taxes, as this mayor goes off to hob knob with a bunch of communist thugs.

"The Olympics is all about the athlete's" you hear people say. Wrong. There were the 1968 Mexico City games that turned political when clenched black fists were raised at the medal ceremony. I give you the Muslim terrorists in Munich that killed the Jewish athletes in 1972. I submit Leni Riefenstahl's brilliantly made propaganda film for her fuhrer Adolf Hitler called "Olympia." Those Olympics were intended to roll out fascism to the world. It was the Nazis coming out party. People like Walt Disney & Henry Ford were early believers in the film. The night of the long knives had already happened. Jewish people were being murdered as Riefenstahl pimped Hitler's propaganda on our shores under the guise of Olympic sportsmanship. Some people protested here in Chicago so she cancelled her public appearance. Way to go Chicago!

As our economy nosedives, the chinese economy thrives because there are no rules for china. Slave labor, children painting poisonous lead on toys meant for our kids in polluted factories pumping out filth that's making it hard for our athletes to even breath. And their women are thought of as disposable.

Their "so: called" athletes are sadly children that have been taken from their parents & made slaves of the state... And the only medal the government recognizes is gold. Period. The bronze and silver winners will be outcasts, or homeless, when these olympics end.

Our press is allowed no freedom while in china. Our mayor daley called this "bejing's coming out party." Oh happy day! Yes mayor lets all celebrate another brutal regime. As stupid as those bygone politicians look smiling up at hitler in those old films our politicians will look even worse because they knew better.

It's the year of the rat in china our politicians should fit right in.

I'm Mancow Muller

Mancow Vs. The State

2008-08-06T13:38:00Z

Welcome to the Fourth Reich. Chicago with the new Fuher: heir Daley.

Our Mayor just had to celebrate the Olympics in China. It was the year of the rat so he fit right in. I'm betting Mayor Daley took notes from the despot government in China so he can implement some of those brutal ideas back home in Chicago.

Cameras on every corner? More cameras watching citizens than any other place on earth? Not communist China... I'm talking about Chicago. Right here at home-our Mayor is the epitome of big brother. He loves his surveillance cameras. And he loves manipulating your every move starting at childhood.

Senator slash preacher Meeks has been complaining about how awful Chicago public schools are. Amen to that! However, as black "ministers" must in Chicago, he's made it a black/white issue. I've got news for you senator: I'm white & Chicago schools are awful no matter what your skin color is. I've long said school choice is the single most important issue in America. But Dictator Daley hates the idea. His son Patrick attended St. Ignatius College Prep & then finished up at Mt. Carmel. Both expensive private schools. Typical politician, public schools are fine as long as it's your kids that are being dumbed down. And the government has to keep your kids stupid. They want your kids to be good little goose stepping socialists. Beholden to the state for everything. Chicago uber allies!

It's not enough for him to be our Mayor; he wants to be our "NANNY." Water bottle tax, menu-labeling laws, and multiple entertainment regulations. The control never stops. What about my constitutional right to bear arms? Well throughout history dictators have hated an armed citizenry.

Dictators don't have to obey a Supreme Court I guess. The United States Supreme Court says I have the right to defend my family with a gun. Mayor Daley says no. Since when does some Mayor not have to obey the Supreme Court?

Heil Daley

I'm Mancow Muller.

Goy to the World

2008-07-16T13:38:00Z

The youth of today's Israel are tanned, alert, in excellent physical health, and soon they'll all be dead. The young Israelis stand in stark contrast compared to the cow-eyed, slow moving, obese Americans. While our children eat themselves into a diabetic coma their Middle-Eastern contemporaries are serving three years mandatory military service. Kids here are taught their country's history, something we Americans stupidly consider too jingoistic to teach our kids. However, the current Israeli leadership mostly ignore their history lessons: a Zion's share of political correctness, of turning the other cheek and trying to rationalize evil, has almost destroyed them in the past. And at this very moment, the brink of oblivion edges closer than ever before.

We here in the West, brainwashed by Dr. Phil types, believe in the idea of "closure" but the idea that the boiling cauldron of hate will ever be contained feels like a ridiculous notion as I travel here in the Middle East. Anyone who's actually been here knows this ain't no Disney-fied "Aladdin" scenario. There will be no "happily ever after" this time. The Game Over notice is about to flash in the land of Jafar far, far away.

If you dress your pet rattlesnake in a pink collar and feed it puppy chow it still isn't a poodle. Posters of suicide bombers are plastered along Palestinian streets. Evil is celebrated. In these regions people want to kill anyone who isn't down with their sickness. Period. What don't American's understand? If somebody is breaking into your house would you hand them a knife to slice your children's throats? That's what happens every time we give them our tax dollars in the form of relief packages, or ask Israel to give up land or pow-wow with their terrorist leaders. We have become so tolerant we tolerate intolerance.

Like the dark-hearted mutants worshipping the bomb underground in "Beneath the Planet of the Apes" the Iranian government is not kosher with the Jewish people. The Iranian leader Mahmoud Amadidajan hopes to take out the Zionist dream-state in one huge, radioactive, anti-Semitic mushroom cloud and Hamas, the terrorist group democratically elected by the Palestinian people, is cheering them on regardless of the fallout that would poison their own people. The Middle East is a place where hate has grown stronger than the survival instinct. Is Hamas proof that maybe a largely uneducated populace shouldn't get to vote after all? Meanwhile, in their hilltop perches, the Syrians lick their chops like vultures waiting for their neighbors' genocide. The blood-bath is warming now and almost ready.

When I look into the eyes of many of these locals all I can see is the ancient hatred. The death cult mentality is as hot as the air in a kiln. We fund the hate with every drop of oil we buy.

"The Jews run the media!" callers sometimes yell on talk radio programs. True, or not, how has the media allowed a terrorist organization like Hamas to out-spin them? Well, it doesn't help that the West's spokesperson against radicalized Islam is "stumblebum in chief" George Bush. Our president is equaled in his eloquence only by Magic Johnson, the man that magically cured his own aids. Really though, it comes down to the fact that America loves an underdog and the Palestinians have long relished the role of victim. Its perfect casting. However, the tempest in a teapot is about to explode in our faces with the force of an atom bomb. Hamas is not the victim; they are playing us as rubes. We are the idiot dunce at this high stakes global poker game and the payout is the world.

Two thousand years ago Masada was the site of King Herod's magnificent mountain top palace, standing in the ruins its hard not to draw comparisons to today. Here in Masada, in 73 A.D. 1,000 Jews committed suicide rather than surrender to 20,000 attacking Romans. I look at all the big round boulders all around me and...wait a minute! These are Roman bombs! Here between the Dead Sea & Judaean desert, that ancient act of mass suicide still holds great power. Reverberating from the past the question remains: were they brave or cowardly? Is fight or flight better? Peter O'Toole starred as the Roman leader in the mini-series "Masada." I've always thought "I'd kick his ass rather that Jones Town massacre myself." Hindsight is where I'm bravest of all. The Hearky-Jerky educational film they show here on site, repeats the Jewish people's favorite mantra: "Never again." They said "Never again." after World War II a lot too. Well, guess what? "Never again" is happening again.

As Hitler marked the Jews with felt yellow stars the Jewish government demands that Palestinian cabs be branded with the color yellow. My Palestinian cabbie tells me, "for every two Jews there's ten opinions and that's why they can't deal with us." Cabbie laughs and continues," they never get nothing done! They argue and argue." He brags that the average suicide bomber the Jewish government captures gets less than two years in prison. Less than two years!?! I am flabbergasted. But any suicide bomber in prison has to be a failure, right? We zig zag from this area to the next, in and out of the checkpoints, up and over Israeli roads that seem to go nowhere forever like we're stuck in an Escher drawing.

"The Jews put their flags everywhere," Cabbie says, "like children marking their toys. Soon? Pffft!" He finds his Jewish comrades weak and laughable. This Palestinian's honesty is refreshingly brutal. He has no façade and no veil of self-righteous delusions but in the land of an eye for an eye they just don't understand mercy. Islam is a religion of peace, unless you say it is not & then they want you dead! They are very clear about what they want. "We want the Jew dead," cabbie says. The first times I heard this I thought they meant some singular Jewish individual like the Israeli Prime Minister or Barbra Streisand. No. To the contrary, when they say "the Jew" they are talking in the pural. Oh, and FYI, that means you and me too hombre. Anybody that isn't converted to their way of worship must be killed eventually. "We have lots of kids. They don't. It's a numbers game. Boom! We win. They die." He laughs. Lenny Bruce has nothing on this cabbie's sick sense of humor.

Before I exit his cab, I fake-argue with him over the fare. It is of great insult to an Arab's intelligence if you don't fight with them over the price of everything. Otherwise, they think they stupidly didn't ask for enough. As he speeds away he heaves a trail of garbage out the cab's window. The Arab areas I see all have backyards filled with waste. I watched one woman finish a soda and toss the bottle onto a chest-high pile of refuse - in her own backyard. "Excuse me, you dropped something," I would say to people on the street. They would look down to where they had just dropped some trash and they literally could not see it. It's a cultural thing. It's just what they do. It's just how they are.

I saw a Bedouin camp. The Bedouins are like Mid-Eastern gypsies, roaming where they want. Unfortunately, in this modern world of fences and walls they are forced to stay stationary with their camels and trash piles. To visit a Bedouin encampment is to visit a ramshackle shit-hole.

There's been lots of negative press about the Israeli fences. But, (and I know this isn't going to sound very enlightened to most,) they are actually working. Walls have worked in Berlin, China, and now in parts of California too. Walls make good neighbors. Where there's a wall there's a way - a safe passage for a young Jewish girl off to school for example. The days of the Palestinians playing "Whack-a-Jew" from their backyards have ended where there's a wall.

"Did a snake really speak to Adam in the Garden of Eden?" Comedian Bill Maher asked me once. "I think it's probably parable," I replied. So, when I was taken to see a pillar of salt my guide claimed had been Lot's wife (until she looked back to see Sodom being destroyed in the biblical story) my B.S. meter went off the scale. However, I do believe Jesus Christ actually walked the earth in some of these places.

Want to see the reported birthplace of Jesus? Well, you have to crawl in to see it. Any bigger hole and the locals in Palestinian controlled Bethlehem throw bombs inside. Also I hear sometimes they just lift their robes and drop a deuce. Want to see the Golden gate in Jerusalem where the Jewish people believe their messiah will cross through? It's been cinder -blocked up by the Muslims. Want to be baptized where John the Baptist did his specialty? It's in Muslim hands in Jordan and too dangerous. Oskar Schindler's grave? Don't leave your car outside any Christian cemetery or they'll vandalize it. How about the holiest spot of all for the Jews, where the Ark of the Covenant was? (You know that golden thing Indiana Jones was questing for in the original "Raiders of the Lost Ark.") It's called Temple Mount and it's where the Muslims built that huge golden domed mosque. Could I go into the dome on the rock? No. The bearded gent at the mosque's entrance could have been ruder but I don't really know how.

Here's how it works: Jewish & Christian sites? Welcome & open to everyone. Muslim sites? Welcome to everyone? Yes but mostly no. Muslim sites can be dangerous for everyone that's not a Muslim. And some of the more radical amongst them want to destroy many of the non-Muslim holy sites they now control.

The ancient City of David is near that big golden dome of theirs, and they detest it. Archeology is exalted by the Jewish government and loathed by most Palestinians I spoke with. Everywhere you dig, the past whispers back to you giving up its secrets. When I asked one Palestinian about Herod dying in 4 B.C. & Muhammad dying in 632 A.D. I was told "your books are written by the Jew. All lies!" Uhm, ok. They love playing Captain Ahab to the Jewish white whale.

With history all around and so in your face it's caused many locals to live in the past. Addicted to the drama of re-living old grudges and hatreds. The hate is on replay, over & over, inside them, and you can see it on their grimacing faces dotted with sullen eyes. It is a land where everybody is offended by everything all-the-time. The slightest slight becomes a barn burner. Unknowingly, pushing an elevator button to get to my room in the David Citadel Hotel, I sent one ultra-orthodox type into a tizzy. Apparently, on the Jewish Sabbath they can't work, and pushing an elevator button is classified as labor. So there they stand going slowly floor to floor until they reach their floor eventually, without offending God.

Some identify so strongly with their painful pasts that their emotional selves and egos are drunk on their own pain. The most devout of every group prays the same ancient prayer over & over & over all day, every day, and their entire lives. Think God ever gets bored of that? I choose to live in the now viewing the present as a present. I actually choose happiness as an option. It's an offensive lifestyle choice to many of them. Their past is always present. As one pilgrim confided in me, "the moderates here only hate for two generations."

Milk of the goat & honey made from dates is how they come up with the term "Land of Milk and Honey." (I guess "Land of Goats and Dates" doesn't have the same ring to it.) No matter, it truly is an amazing place. When Mark Twain visited in 1867 he wrote of traveling for days on end and seeing nobody. Jerusalem was a town of a few thousand people and some thorn trees to make a faux-crown out of when they crucified Jesus. Photos from just sixty years ago reveal a place that looks exactly like those desolate images the Mars Rover has been beaming back to Earth. Where there was nothing the Jews have created a paradise. Out of a wasteland they have brought fourth vast forests, fresh produce, and glimmering cities. Without any oil money either. It has made their neighbors very jealous.

Even when it's cold out, it's hot in Tel Aviv because of all the beautiful single women. A kibbutz is a communist run compound where you can stay. They are all over Israel. Customer service? Do you think Eastern block mentality and quality service don't go together? You'd be right. I prefer the many world class resorts sprinkled through the country. One resort I stayed at featured a healthy sulfur bath. It's like being in a giant's ass pre-Dutch oven.

One aggressive Ahava Dead Sea therapeutic mud salesman offered to pack my mud for travel. When I cracked wise about him "packing my mud" he gazed upon me like Nipper hearing his Master's voice from the phonograph for the very first-time. When I asked another how long "The Six Day War" was... no response. When I giggled saying the security wand tickled, I got nothing but the zombie stare. Apparently the famed Jewish humor has all migrated to America.

The namesake town of Mary Magdala's is where, in ancient times they reportedly spoke to angels. In this modern era, many in this hilltop town have reported seeing UFO's.

Capernaum, Gethsemane, The Mount of Olives, and the Sea of Galilee, are all within driving distance of each other. It boggles the mind. As I walked through the peaceful fields of the valley of Megiddo I allowed my fingers to dance along the crop tops. This field of produce it is believed will someday produce the final battle on earth. "Megiddo" means "Armageddon." Standing here doing a three-sixty it's easy to imagine how it could happen. Iran nukes Israel. America gets involved, and then China, then Russia, then the rest of the dominos fall. France sides with whomever. And all the armies of this world meet for one final battle royal.

So, Hur-ray! Hur-ray! Hur-ray! Step right up! See the sites now because they won't be here tomorrow! Soon it'll all be gone ... just another layer of memories baking in the blistering sun. Tourism is their business and as loud as we American's speak & dress I think they could be a bit nicer to us. They love our McDonald's hamburgers after all. (However no cheeseburgers cause that isn't kosher - you can't serve meat & cheese together & hope to sell it in Israel. Oops.) Oh, and their Arabic coffee bested our Seattle-based Starbucks which quickly flopped. So what if we are like fanny-pack wearing, fat cocker spaniels that jump all over them just wanting to be loved? We could be worse. I mean the cliché of the pushy Japanese tourist hasn't been disproved, yet.

For the time being, spiritual seeking travelers pack the tour buses like Vienna sausages in a tin. The tourists smell putrid under this sun as they race to see it all in one day. I wonder if they realize they are the last generation that will get to do this.

Having traveled the world, I can honestly say we should stop all of our current trade agreements, put up a big wall around America "Escape from New York" style, and worry about ourselves from now on. Anyone is certainly welcome to leave but nobody else can bring us their misery. We will build our own trinkets and live and die by what we do. What Dorothy chanted over & over again to escape Oz has never been truer.

Click here to see photos of Mancow's trip to Israel.

Tabloids

2008-06-17T13:38:00Z

Looking through the stack of magazines my wife gets I got all worked up. My mind races as I waste it's time:

Clay Aiken gay? Don't care.

Trying to figure out "Lost." I don't care anymore.

The killer in "The Happening" is a field of grass. Katie Holmes slouching to look shorter for Tom Cruise.

Jessica Simpons's creepy Dad.
Will Smith's obnoxious kids. I like Will do I have to have kids.
Gwyneth Paltrows holier than though attitude. She's better than you.
Who wore it better? In magazines where they catch two starlets in the same dress & comment on who looks better.

Little girls with things written on their sweatpants butts. It's pornographic. Can we let these little girls have a childhood before we objectify them?

David Cook "American Idol." Shave.

Jamie Lynn Spears in not a star.

Aerosmith retire-your 90-at least you look like 100.

China Vs. Sharon Stone-feed your people China & stop killing monks. Don't worry about Sharon Stone.

Jennifer Aniston-loser at love. Wah. It's hard to feel sorry for her.

Reese Witherspoon-why the smile all-the-time? Why you so happy? It's freaking me out. Is she doing drugs?

Oprah diet tips-seriously?

Matthew McConaughey-put your shirt on!

Don't try to sell me on Tiger Woods-he's a great golfer. Golf is boring. He is boring. I'm not buying anything he sells.

That "Growing Pains" kid Kirk Cameron is a Christian? Shocking to some. Why?

"Weeds" is that great Showtime show nobody watches-still not gonna watch. Don't care.

Tatum O'Neil? She was good in "Paper Moon," That was 1974. It's 2008 let her go.

Kathy Griffin-ughk.

Mariah Carey is just trash.

Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, the Olsens, in your office death pool? They should be.

What a colossal waste of time.

Tim Russert

2008-06-16T13:38:00Z

Hey did you hear Tim Russert is dead? Yeah, that's all you've heard about. NBC put an empty chair on TV for a half hour on "Meet the Press." Would Tim Russert approve of all of this? I hope not. Tim was on my radio show-we talked about our Dads. He was a good guy. I liked him, but so what? Anchorman Tom Brokaw fighting back tears with his voice quivering? Space alien looking James Carville crying? So un-professional! And then the one that rally got me blowhard Chris Matthews somehow making Russert's death about him. Crazy.

Chris Matthews talked about how Russert got duped by the Bush administration into buying that bogus Iraq war. What an insult! Matthews flip-flopped Russerts death into a self-aggrandizing back patting self-love fest for himself. There's no low too low for this media to use any opportunity to Bush bash. It's sickening to me.

Maybe "Meet the Press" could have been about, oh, I don't know maybe the most significant Presidential election of our lives. Hello, Iowa's underwater, a Boy Scout camp was hit by a tornado, gas prices are sky high, & it's more on Tim Russert? Mention it and then move on. Please salute the man but then can we have some actual news? Charlton Heston got but a mention and they almost ignored Mother Theresa's passing, but Russert was one of them. In this era of "celebreality" the medium is the message. Michael Moore inserts himself in his so-called documentaries and the talking heads on TV insert themselves where they just shouldn't. Keith Olberman's little temper tantrums, George Stephanopoulos interviewing his old boss Hillary? Where are the professionals? No wonder most Americans surveyed don't respect journalists anymore. Where are the reporters? I miss Bill Curtis & Carol Marin on my nightly newscasts here in Chicago. I don't care what sex or color some focus group says a reporter should be. Can we dim the egos a bit folks and report news again? That sound your hearing is Edward R. Murrow turning over in his grave. Spooky....

Rick Tramonto's Tuscan Panzanella Salad

2008-06-13T13:38:00Z

Rick Tramonto's Tuscan Panzanella Salad

A good bread salad soaks up the juices from the tomatoes, olive oil, vinegar, and all the other seductive flavors that go into a really top-flight panzanella salad, and I love it! The tomatoes should be at their juicy, high-summer peak and the bread bakery fresh bread with a pleasingly soft crumb and chewy crust. My recipe calls not only for the best tomatoes and bread, but also relies on green, fruity, extra virgin olive oil, zesty red wine vinegar, salty capers, and freshly grated lemon zest (I use a Microplaner when I zest citrus fruit and I highly recommend you do the same). I also add other vegetables such as red onion, bell peppers, and fennel, garden-fresh basil, and some inky black olives for a salad bursting with summer.

Serves 4

4 cups torn sourdough or rustic peasant bread, torn into 1 to 1 ½ inch pieces

3 tablespoons olive oil

Kosher salt and cracked black pepper

¼ cup red wine vinegar

1 tablespoon capers, drained

2 teaspoons grated lemon zest

1 clove garlic, minced

½ cup extra virgin olive oil

1 cup thinly sliced red onion

5 assorted ripe heirloom tomatoes, halved or quartered, depending on size and shape

1 red bell pepper, seeded and julienned

1 yellow bell pepper, seeded and julienned

1 cucumber, peeled, seeded, and chopped

1 fennel bulb, fronds removed and reserved, bulb trimmed and thinly sliced

½ cup pitted and halved Niçoise olives

¼ cup chopped fresh basil leaves

4 tablespoons shaved Parmesan-Reggiano cheese

1. Preheat oven to 300°F.

2. In a bowl, toss the bread pieces with the olive oil and salt and pepper to taste. Spread the bread on a baking sheet and bake for 7 to 10 minutes just until a little crisp. (They should not be a crispy as croutons.) Alternatively, spread the seasoned bread pieces on a baking sheet and let them dry, uncovered, for about 24 hours.

3. In a large bowl, whisk together the together the vinegar, capers, zest, and garlic. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Whisking constantly, add the extra virgin olive oil in a stream until well incorporated.

4. Add the onions, tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumber, fennel, and olives and toss to mix with the vinaigrette. Adjust the seasoning with salt and pepper.

5. Tear and add the fennel fronds, the basil, and the bread to the bowl and toss to coat. Set aside for 20 minutes.

6. Divide the salad among 4 plates. Garnish each plate with shaved cheese and serve. If you prefer a moister salad, drizzle with a little more extra virgin olive oil.

Taken from his new cook book
Fantastico!

Guns & Guts!

2008-06-04T13:38:00Z

You can't eat gold and you'll need a gun to protect yourself from the violent masses during the coming depression. When the reality of the global economy hits America like feces hitting the fan the hordes will attack. Throughout the history of the United States guns have been apart of the fabric of our lives. With that in mind, Max Motors in western Missouri (max71.com) has orchestrated an outrageous campaign to promote sales and pimp themselves as modern day Thomas Paine-in-the-asses of the loony left. They are accomplishing this by giving away either a gas card or a free hand gun. Your choice? You heard that right! A free piece with purchase of an American made automobile.

Is Mark Muller, owner of Max motors, shamelessly trying to promote auto sales, or is he trying to make a political statement? The ATF wants him to stop. Liberal radio has crucified him verbally. Radio host Rush Limbaugh laughingly spent 45 minutes on the subject. Is he the devil, a modern day Huckster like P.T. Barnum, or a real American badass hero? Quite frankly you have to pick how you'd characterize him through your life filter. I know this man well, he is my older brother. Mark called me in the middle of 2008 to ask me what I thought of his latest promotion. I begged him not to do it. He did it anyhow after he consulted with legal council and then told me to "grow a set." With that verbal slap he embarked on a marketing campaign that has created a firestorm around the globe. Sales are up over 400-percent, but at what cost? With threats against my brother Mark's personal safety from peace protestors no less. ; "Peace pussies" as he calls'em! There have been picketers in front of his GM dealership screaming, shouting and threatening his life... real peaceful.

I jealously called Mark, when I saw his promotion on all the networks, and I asked him if it was all worth it? Being a fellow media whore, I was dumbfounded at the coverage. He ripped into me with a tirade about "setting me straight" on The Constitution and The Bill of Rights. Unlike a shameless puffed up buffoon like Dennis Hof of the Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada that has monthly scams, like $15 dollars off a prostitute if you flew American Airlines and had to pay more because of his gas prices, my brother is sincere. "America is turning into a bunch of sheeple that are followers being brain-washed by big media." I did my research and it showed that when any major state in our Union has passes conceal and carry laws, violent crimes have been reduced considerably. Get that fact? More pistols = less crime. In Washington D.C., our nation's capitol, you are not allowed to posses heat and it is one of the most violent cities in the free world. "If you are a woman in New York you are a sitting duck waiting to be robbed or raped," said political rabble rouser Anne Coulter on my radio show. Angelina Jolie has visited many oppressed countries as ambassador for the morally bankrupt United Nations. She, has witnessed in over 20 visits to repressed lands how important guns are for the common Joe or Abdullah. She sounds like the late Charleston Heston nowadays. The father she won't speak to (John Voight) is pro gun and she echoes Daddy. She and her husband, the dreamy Brad Pitt, are gun owners. "I bought original, real guns of the type we used in "Tomb Raider" for security. Brad and I are not against having a gun in the house, and we do have one." Jolie told the U.K. Daily Mail. Guns good?

Another example where this proves evident is in jolly ol' England. Guns are completely illegal for the rotten toothed English yet since this law was passed violent crime has increased dramatically. Ayn Rand said "morality ends where a gun begins." A little gun history from her Soviet Union: in 1929 they established smoke wagon control. From 1929-1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated. In 1917, 1.5 million Americans, unable to defend themselves were rounded up and exterminated. Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945; millions & millions of Jews (and others) who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up and executed. All the while Adolf Hitler spoke about how safe & modern they were. Huh? That's just like politicians in Washington D.C. today! Some rhetoric never changes. China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, twenty million political dissidents, unab le to defend themselves, were rounded up and sent to the after world. Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and stacked up after they were killed. Uganda mandated gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and brutally sent to be with Jesus. Today xenophobic mass murder in South Africa has brutally forced thousands to flee. The victims are foreigners forbidden to fight back and forbotten from owning guns. This is not the after-apartheid love promised by Mandela. Foreigners are being raped, stabbed, beaten, burned, and buried alive. Gun owners of South Africa's leader Thomas Estes believes The Firearms Control Act passed by South African's parliament is totally to blame. "The weak, the marginalized, the oppressed, and frail have a chance of survival only if they are armed." Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million educated people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated. Defenseless people rounded up and planted in "The Killing Fields" for eternity. Modest estimates put the number of defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th century because of gun control: 56 million. Big government despots hate guns because it means the people can fight back. One Chinese cab driver that had escaped told me that the Chinese government is afraid of the Americans because "you all got guns." It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by their own government, a program costing Australian taxpayers more than $500 million dollars. The first year results are now in: Australian-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent down under, assaults are up 8.6 percent, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)! In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent. Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not, so criminals still possess their upper hand! While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically up ward in t he pas t 12 months, since criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed. There's also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the now leather, skinned sitting duck elderly. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such a monumental effort and expenses were expended in successfully ridding the good people in the Australian society of their protection. The Australian experience and the other historical facts above prove it. You won't see this data on the corporate controlled evening news, or hear politicians disseminating this information. Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property. Gun-control laws punish only the law-abiding citizens.

I have cross-checked this information only to learn there are few variations in the numbers. My liberal friend Calkins set out to prove me wrong just using the facts & just the facts. He lost. With guns, we are "citizens." Without them, we are "subjects." Need more? Two illegal aliens, Ralph Resindez, 23, and Enrico Garza, 26, probably believed they would easily overpower home-alone 11 year old Patricia Harrington after her father had left their two-story home. It seems these tow boarder jumping buddies never learned two things: they were in Montana and baby Patricia had been a clay shooting champion since she was nine. Patricia was in her upstairs room when the two men broke through the front door of the house. She quickly ran to her father's room and grabbed his 12 gauge polished Mossberg 500 shotgun. Resindez was the first to catch a near point blank blast of buckshot from his 11-year-old's intended victim. He looked down at her wondering what has happened, he suffered fatal wounds to his abdomen and genitals. One creep dead one to go. When Garza ran to the foot of the stairs, he flabbergasted took a blast to the left shoulder and staggered out into the street where he bled to death before medical help could arrive. Aww, too bad. On his corpse they found Resindez was armed with a stolen 45 caliber handgun he took from another robbery. That victim, 50-year-old David Burien, was not so lucky. He was gutted and died from the stab wounds. Ever wonder why good stuff like a modern "Home Alone" where the scum gets sent to hell by a little girl never makes NBC, CBS, PBS, MSNBC, CNN, or ABC news? Seems like some big news to me when an 11 year old girl, properly trained, defends her home, and herself....against two murderous, illegal immigrants....and she wins, she is still alive. Now that is GUN CONTROL!

A recent College shooting could have been stopped when the killer's gun jammed. And at the N.I.U. massacre the killer paused to re-load. Had one of those college kids trapped in that cinder block death chamber been able to return fire a massacre could have been halted mid-murder. N.I.U.'s College campus is a "gun free zone." Apparently the murderer missed the memo. The average response time to 911 in my home city of Chicago is 15 minutes. You can do a whole lot of bad in 15 minutes. Look at your door and imagine how long 15 minutes would be after it' s kick ed in. Surveillance video from our 911 call center rebroadcast on our news has shown the EOE hires jawing & endlessly yapping while the phones ring, ring, & ring. The argument for protecting the right to bear arms at all costs is legitimate and sacred and must be upheld for all citizens with minor reasonable restrictions. Think I'm wrong? Prove it. You can't! Skip your emotions wake up to reality and as my brother Mark says "grow a set."

Mind-numb Millenials

2008-05-30T13:38:00Z

Bring on the depression. Let's have an earth shaking Tsunami caliber economic collapse. Bye bye bottom! Bring on chaos, panic and rioting in the streets! Why? Because it just may save our nation. The 20 something's are an aloof group that needs their asses handed to them. Experts call them "Millennials" others just call them "a-holes." Our economy has been so bitchin' for so long it's actually providing a compfy place for these jerks to incubate in. We've become the brainless partying with peacocks on the rooftops of Metropolis.

A worthless lot that wears their Hollister hats backwards as they backslap and congratulate each other over nothing. These men buy their clothes already distressed so they look like they actually do something. "Distressed" is how they describe the cloths of today that are riddled with holes, worn spots, and faux dirt stains painted on designed to make them look rugged. Their jeans run half a grand and they spend hundreds on their hairdos. The hair is highlighted with Seacresty lighter tones & their skin spray-tanned to give us the illusion that they actually are working outside. They want to look like cancer free Marlboro men with soft hands and stupid smirks.

These are not rednecks that actually stand for God, guns, and guts. These are there more "enlightened" contemporaries. Mostly white guys born between 1980-1995 that have had everything handed to them and yet the complaining never stops. They got a new car at sixteen that they promptly wrecked. Their college dorm rooms looked like they were decorated by Crate & Barrel. They partied and got luke-warm grades but it never really mattered. They've always had so called "helicopter parents" hovering around them to clean up their messes and cushion any bumps in life's road. Every second is scheduled so they never have a moment of solace to reflect and realize "I am a complete douche bag." When they played Little League every child was called winner. Even the kid that came in 17th was called "champ" and given a trophy. And now anytime you have to deal with one of these propped-up "winners" you lose.

The Millennials are self centered, yet never self-actualized. My Space, Face book, i pod, i phone, and video games, keep them in their own heads where their ids rule supreme. The theme song to their existence is the same one an operatic tenor sings as he warms up "me me me me me me." It's their movie and were just extras in it. The road sign for them always reads "one-way." They use the word "journey" a lot. They blog about their "journey" and no one ever bothers to tell them what tedious bores they are when they tell their ripping yarns of what they had for lunch or who they loathe on the television show "The Hills."

Tom Brokaw wrote about the "greatest generation." The generation that fought World War 2 and survived the great depression. The generation that fought and died for what they believed in. Maybe, they left us with an America with too much opportunity. We are so prosperous we can actually support a class of shallow nothing people. We are mentally & morally bankrupt that we've mutated into politically correct sheeple that tolerate intolerance. When radicalized Islamic fascist want to kill them they want to try to talk it out. (Well, it worked out well for Neville Chamberlain & Adolf Hitler.)

They get hooked on the credit-card crack pipe in college and never stop buying trinkets they don't need and can't afford. Spoiled boys can't say "no." If it has the word "extreme" on it spelled wrongly then they gotta have it. Add the word "energy" and promise them their hearts will race and they'll act all the roided -up and crazy and it's already on the Amex. Monster energy to help you on your lame-assed so-called journey to oblivion? High five!

The Millennials voted for Obama. Oh, not because they actually knew anything about Obama's politics but because it's what their group collective did. They believed it gave them street cred. That coupled with a few ghetto phrases and ass-crack revealing baggy pants, they believed would endear them to their darker skinned homies. Un-fortunately their African-American peers wisely view them as pathetic posers with no sense of issues or history completely governed by emotion. "Eminems a poet, Yo."

If it's a graphically violent, degrading to women video they can't wait to share it with there buds on the internet. They idolize "Girls Gone Wild's" Joe Francis and pay for friends in the form of fraternities. They do keggers, snort Ritalin, and plan their next rape.
They believe they are individuals yet like all good lemmings they never look around to notice they all wear the exact same uniforms. Abercrombie & Filth, Hollister, Gap, Hot Topic, mall store, mall store, and mall store. Tomorrow? A beer gut covered with Tommy Bahama.

They think nothing of destroying those closest to them and then saying something clever like "hug it out man." However, they claim to feel deeply for the latest victims of some natural disaster that happened in some country with a name they can't pronounce. They'll argue that we have to rebuild every despot regime even though they hate Western civilization. Meanwhile an American city like New Orleans can stay in ruins. It's much hipper now to root for one's enemies. They are the gods (small "g") of their self-absorbed parent created empires. Standing in the shallows giving out bullshit advice with long pauses between each thought. Sadly our pathetic Public schools have robbed them of ever being genuine leaders. "Everyone's the same" goes the diversity loving governmental brain washing the teachers spew. They get constant praise and even though they really are all the same they somehow still all feel superior. Odd. So much effort has been put into there feelings not being hurt that they are never given any truth. They were graded on the low end of the curve because our politically correct system demands that the non-English speaking illegals don't feel dumb. And while Pedro may or may not be stupid it's lowering the bar for everyone. Think we aren't de-evolving as a culture? Have you tried to have a conversation with anyone just out of high school lately? Trogs! We desperately need school choice if we ever hope to steer the S.S. America away from the iceberg.

American business leaders will tell you they simply can not find anyone willing to put forth any effort. Corporate America hates the new crop. As much as I can't stand the corporations you have to feel something akin to empathy for them. The new work force needs endless praise every single day. They cannot, and will not, do any long term projects. They can't focus for long. Their A.D.D. is enabled by Tivo and workdays dicking around on the internet on your dime. They decorate their cubicle like a ten year old boy's playroom. They tape up juvenile cartoons witty only to the basest of dullards. They pose their action figures from movies that pre-date them around their computers.

The work ethic has disappeared from this generation. They have the blue tooth ear piece perched on their ears so you always feel like you are interrupting some phantom conversation. We call them "blue tools" around my office because rudely they are literally always on the phone. Or should I say their phone is always on them? They always have a slightly constipated irritated look on their smug mugs. Glancing around establishments that actually employ these pretentious pricks one can't help but wonder: "how does anything get done around here?" Then you spot her. That one sweating good-natured fat girl that actually does all the work. If you want a successful business now days I say skip the preening twenty something white boys and hire sloppy fat white women. They really do try harder. Like Avis, and they'll put out if you get desperate. It's a 2 for 10 work ratio fat girls versus asinine frat boy types by my calculation.

Maybe the newscasters are correct about us needing illegals because lazy Americans don't want to work. I believe the talking heads and that's why we actually need a good old fashioned depression. Then we won't sit idly sipping Starbucks as our country gets destroyed. Congressman Tom Tancredo told me about our governments plan for one borderless North American Union. Canada, America, and Mexico blended together to become just another third world backwater dump. NAFTA lit the fuse for the implosion of skilled workers leaving & factories closing. We keep hearing how wonderful the global economy is and yet I remain unimpressed.

Our over-inflated fiat currency has to crash along with the housing and stock markets. We won't have the time or money to give hand-outs, welfare, and affirmative action... The complaining will stop and the Millenials will simply have to get busy or die. Perhaps an even greater generation will rise from the ashes. We'll celebrate intelligence and, the work ethic once more. Shallow blogs will be abandoned for more authentic character building pursuits. America will have renewed relevance to use once again out of necessity. The coddled crowd that's heard "yes, yes, yes" will just have to get used to "no." So bring on the bad times for our own survival. Let's sing the blues-its better that whatever recycled unfeeling crap is on the radio nowadays anyway. Our Jewish friends don't hold the patent on self loathing. Only a spoiled American, like me, could actually say a depression would make me happy. Right Now.

If You Don't Vote for Obama

2008-05-19T13:38:00Z

Had dinner last Friday night at the Hilton and Towers (where I got married) with some big wigs. Jesse White, Illinois Secretary of State was at my table, Alderman Ed Burke and his lovely wife Anne the former IL. Supreme Court judge, Former Treasurer Judy Barr Topinka, Clinton & Obama campaign people, Linda Shafrin from the Springer show, it goes on and on. I donated to charity and will be meeting the Pope in Rome. Somehow I think the Catholic Church isn't thrilled. Jesus walked & talked with the common man but church's forget that. Why shouldn't I meet the Pope? Because I'm Mancow? Whatever. No surprise, politicians & lawyers didn't jump ahead of me to meet the Pope. Lunch with the devil? That they would have jumped on! I'm kidding. Hanging out with all these powerful Chicagoans I came to some conclusions: Our Governor Rod Blagojevich will be in jail soon and the case is building now. "If they could get Edgar they'll get Rod," someone confided. Hillary is a punch line! The Fois Gras ban was stupid. And they can't believe that the fool Todd Stroger is getting away with the nepotism & shakedowns.

The Republican Party in IL? Non-existent. They are "The Generals." Remember The Generals? That was the team set up to lose against the Globetrotters every night. That's the IL. Republican Party. One more thing: This bogus idea they are floating that "if someone doesn't vote for Obama they are racist" is insulting. The people in power, the ones that actually work with Obama will tell you he's done nothing. And privately Obama's a joke with an abrasive wife. Obama's wife has treated underlings around her husband like dirt & they don't like her. Nice guy? Sure. Psychologist will tell you that a child abandoned like Obama was by a father & then a step-father just wants to make everyone happy. Unfortunately, true leadership means not everyone's going to be happy all the time. He stands for nothing and his record proves it. I'm not voting for him because I've studied the man. Don't try to make me feel guilty. Even the most racist redneck Skoal dipping Garth Brooks lovin' American would vote for a green Star Trek woman if it would mean another dollar in their overalls or a better future for their kids. "Racism" & "sexism" are buzz words used to trick you. Oh and F.Y.I. I don't like that translucent bleached hand-puppet John McCain either. "But he was tortured in the Nam." I am sorry about that but it's another trick. All of these people mean more government. The same ol' same ol'. So "none of the above." Can I check that on my ballot? My prediction on who will carry Illinois in the Presidential election? I don't know but I do know who will lose! Me & you.

I'm Mancow Muller

Mancow's Review of Asia's new CD

2008-05-02T13:38:00Z

My two cents worth on the new ASIA CD titled "The Phoenix?" Very enjoyable. The lyrics are spiritual and positive. This is a reflective group of men looking back on their lives and mistakes made. This is not your usual faux badass rock.

When they played my show recently (videos on youtube) it was a childhood dream come true. However they were offended when I mentioned my love of the song "Days like These" it seemed. Apparently, that version of the band wasn't something they were proud of. Nevertheless, I love that song.

I recently got a chance to hang out with some world class drummers at David Fishoff's "Rock Camp." I was with drummers like Simon Kirke (Bad Co.) Mickey Dolenz (The Monkees) Kelly Keagy (Night Ranger) Nick Mason (Pink Floyd) and I brought up the great ASIA drummer Carl Palmer. Some of the other legendary drummers cringed. None supported him! Mention Krupa, Moon, Rich, or Baker, and they swoon. Well, Carl Palmer kicks my ass with his drumming which brings me to my biggest beef with the latest ASIA CD. Why do the producers (listed as ASIA) hate Carl Palmer? Did the other 3 members win? Honestly, his drumming is muted on most songs. It almost seems like it was done intentionally against the guy. ASIA always had big drums before 2008. What gives? Adult lyrics and a more, (ahem) "mature" sound I understand but why mute Carl Palmer? I'm gonna ask their brilliant & loved manager Phil Carson the next time I see him.

Mancow on Rev. Wright and Black Churches

2008-04-30T13:38:00Z

Mancow is furious at white liberals saying how black churches are.

Mancow wanted to be a preacher.

He goes to an all black church of 6000 people.

Black churches are NOT racist.

All white Americans should go & they would lose all (or any) racism.

Rev. Wright is an extreme racist.

All of America should pray Obama get better council.

Mancow's church is Family Christian Center in Munster Indiana.

Before Mancow heard of Obama he heard of Rev. Wright & knew he was a separatist racist. He heard him on his Maverick's car radio many years ago!

The Fading Fat Man (Mancow on Chris Farley)

2008-04-29T13:38:00Z

"Hey Mancow! It's Chris Farley! Lets-"
Erase.
"Hey, Cow! I've called before-"
Erase.
"Why won't you? Call me back I-"
Erase.

There were thirty frantic messages to me on my home answering machine the night Chris Farley died. I never heard the full messages. Erase. How had it gotten to this point? Erase. He was a huge comedy star and had been a dear friend. With a best selling book about Farley and NBC playing "Best of Farley" specials in prime time to huge ratings. Today's reality reminds me of my fallen friend. Towards the end of his life I cringed at the thought of even talking to him. In those final messages there was a sound of real desperation in his voice. The next day he was dead. He was a comedic version of the pagan Roman god- The Janus. One smiling public face rooted in this world and the other tearfully looking into the spirit world. Was he calling for help or did he just want me to be a part of that dramatic final act? I'll never know.

Chris was found dead in the apartment where we had discussed the wonders of the universe. My father had died of cancer and I'd written a best selling book about his death that Chris both loved & feared. He told me repeatedly that his single biggest worry was having to bury his own Dad. As it turns out he didn't have to worry about that.

The real shocker to people is that Farley had a deep Catholic faith. At times he would go to church almost everyday. Ecclesiastes 4:5 talks of sloth as "the slow suicide" and that was not how it was to be for him. He prayed for the spirit to reign into his thirsty soul and crush his demons. We would talk for hours about our heavenly Father and our earth bound ones as well. Chris would move about the apartment in an animated way like he was playing one person charades. Sweating and massive, but amazingly graceful he would act out childhood memories and impersonate his father. He was worried about his father's enormous size and health and seriously could not fathom how I kept living after my own father's passing.

"Everywhere there's lots of piggies, Living piggy lives. You can see them out for dinner with their piggy wives." -The Beatles

In his best movie "Tommy Boy," there's a scene where he's talking to his dead movie dad on A sailboat that was the Chris Farley I knew. That was his only truly "naked" real moment captured on film. He was different from any other comedian I've ever known. Everything else since his funeral feels like folklore.

Dan Ackroyd (who was in "Tommy Boy"), and others, make money mimicking "chumps" like Chris Farley's dad. Well, Chris loved those chumps! He didn't feel he was brilliant and all his fans were mere rubes. He respected hard working people and wanted them to laugh. At the height of his stardom I'd see him with the doormen, street cleaners, construction workers, or whomever. He'd suck in his gut. Bam! Down went his pants. Tumble over. Big fake embarrassment. Huge laughs. Repeat. Not for the "doe ray me" but to make some poor guys day a bit brighter.

The fact that EVERYONE, it seems, in the windy city had a personal encounter is a real testimony to the man.

You think Dane Cook, Sarah Silverman, or David Cross give two shits about you? They loathe you. They are part of this modern school of comedy where they do their lazy smug schtick and if you don't guffaw then you're the schmuck. They are great and you are simply the mouth-breathing mark that's too stupid to understand just how great they think they are.

"Keep all your smart modern writers give me William Shakespeare"- Ray Davies

Farley could break even the most indifferent. You would laugh. I saw the most world weary among us have lifelong facades of distrust shatter and fall to the ground. A roly- poly man so childlike-silly Lazarus like laughs were commanded to come fourth from people's long dormant cobwebbed humorless places. He was as subtle as a Packer's fan with a foam cheese head hat on at the ballet, but you had no choice but to laugh.

We would argue about Belushi. He worshiped at that idol. I never got it! I can't watch "Hanoi" Jane Fonda, or listen to Gary "Rock N Roll" Glitter the pedophile, or Michael Jackson. Character matters to me. The book "Wired," and hearing first hand stories from those that actually knew Belushi convinced me he was not to be admired. I would argue for Bill Murray being the funniest guy in Saturday Night Live history. Chris wouldn't hear of it: "Belushi's a comedy god!" And then I would argue that it didn't matter because he was dead. Chris did cocaine because of all those Belushi stories he'd heard from SNL alumni. Damn them because in my opinion they helped kill him.

In the second city, the second most famed sky scraper is the John Hancock. Jerry Springer lives there, my radio station was there, and Chris Farley lived up above the clouds overlooking Lake Michigan. It also houses a Cheesecake Factory restaurant in its basement. So we worked, ate & hung out together.

We would hang in his clown adorned apartment and he would order me to study the clown art. He would physically push my face closer by applying pressure to the back of my skull. "Look closer! I stare at these and they're funny at first but then they become spooky and sad," he'd say. I didn't realize at the time prophetic those words would end up being.

Chris had a framed picture with Paul McCartney on the wall. "He's a Beatle" he would instruct with winking sarcasm. He would marvel at it and tell me how proud he was of it. "My favorite moment on SNL." The gag was, during a regular segment called "The Chris Farley Show," Chris would mention items off a celebrities resume and they would sit there with a confused look on their face and give a half-assed nod while they waited for a question that would never come. "You're Paul McCartney? You were in The Beatles & then Wings?....that was great." Hilarious innocent fun.

There's a great new book that takes its name from that sketch. It's written by the Farley brother that was named after Chris's Dad Tom and some guy named Tanner Colby. Tanner interviewed me for the project and I was happy to oblige. Chris hated how the Second City and the Improv Olympic "leeches" used his name to cash in he told me. I hope I'm not doing that here. Its disgusting to me how every celebrity becomes gay after they die when they can't refute it. However, the book made me understand that I wasn't alone in my feelings about Chris. Many of them conflicted and very ugly. Like: "why is Stanley Tucci alive yet Chris Farley is dead lord?"

In my opinion when Chris looked in the mirror he saw a fraud. Performers that never "make it" will never realize how lucky they truly are. Chris believed the illusion that fame would somehow cleanse him. He would constantly ask me if I thought he was funny. Chris was what is called "a natural." Naturals never fully appreciate their gifts. He never had to work at "his craft" he just was. As Marlon Brando never understood or appreciated himself and let himself go, Chris did the same, only at a much accelerated pace.

He was as out of place in this world as a Ringling Brother's clown would be walking down Michigan Ave. He dressed in bright yellow and greens and wore comical funky glasses. He had the kind of body no tailor could fit. His sleeves always too long and pants always too short. "Fat guy in a little suit" he would sing lurching forward to illustrate the point. His arms jutting from his suits like the "Lost in Space" robots emerging from its mechanical torso. His ties never seemed long enough. They constantly fought the losing battle to get past his belly. Perhaps he tied them that way because it was just funnier. No matter how constricting his suits looked that boy could move. From his breakout roll as a Chippendale dancer (opposite Patrick Swayze) or ice skating, or high kicking in "Beverley Hills Ninja," he moved as gracefully as the ballerina hippos of Disney's Fantasia. "This spruce goose can fly."

He would waltz past the director's chairs with his name on them from his various movies at his apartment's "script room" to get another massive line of cocaine. It was there I first read an original script for Shrek. Chris would be heart broken to know Mike Myers dubbed over his voice after his death with that same lame tired Scottish accent of his. Shrek was written for Chris and made in his image for God's sake! They replaced his voice, because they didn't want to depress people. As Chris had been squeezed out of Cable Guy (for Jim Carey) in life the same happened in death with the movie Shrek. Shame on DreamWorks.

It was in the "script room" where we talked about the David Mamet penned Fatty Arbuckle movie Chris dreamed of doing. I believe it would have been the roll that would have cemented him as a major film actor. It was to be a serious movie about the silent film comedian who got ruined after he was accused of raping a woman to death with a wine bottle.

"You fly I buy," he would repeat over and over until you would go and get him booze. One time at my apartment on Wacker Street I came home to find my furniture all over the place and Chris in a state of undress. My then girlfriend was terrified claiming Chris had tried to rape her. Chris was red faced sweating and looking guilty. He apologized to me later but I never felt the same about him. Would he have raped her? Was he just like one of those frat guys that are way too aggressive with women? I don't know or care. He tried to be with my girlfriend and he was my friend. Funny clown had become spooky clown and sad clown was just around the corner.

From his tiny "script room" there was a million dollar view of the great lake Michigan outside & inside was a mountain range of cocaine only Scarface or a movie star could afford. No fat kid from Madison Wisconsin ever prays for that when they grow up. No, that was a gift from Hollywood U.S.A. I never did cocaine with him. But after he died the lure of it was unbearable and I wanted to. What is the attraction? He would joke that it kept him skinny. He was ashamed and embarrassed if I watched him do "the toot! The nose candy! The booger sugar." He would ask me to look away. In his heart he hated that he had become a slave to addiction. Around the time Chris was born there was a classic Star Trek episode called "The Doomsday Machine." In that episode there is a destroyer of worlds that would snort up planets. When Chris did cocaine in my minds eye I saw Chris as the "Dooms Day Machine" vacuuming up cocaine and barrel rolling into oblivion.

I'd joke with him, in a deadly serious way, telling him "fatso comedians die
young." Like John Candy, The Stooge Curly, and John Belushi. He'd "yes" me and then do more cocaine. One time he had this crazy idea we should become blood brothers. We sawed away with knives on our own hands. No blood. It was harder than we thought. We chickened out. The next time I saw him he had a friendship bracelet and tied it on my arm telling me I was now his brother. He later joked that we were going steady and I was his boyfriend because of the bracelets. Mine stayed on for years after his death until it finally rotted off my arm. Fragments of it sit atop a framed photo of Chris in my office.

One blistering afternoon a typically fat Chicago cop on horseback dismounted and asked me if I wanted to see "something cool." He produced from his wallet a picture. Sweat was in my eyes making my vision blur. I really couldn't figure out what I was looking at until I saw the friendship bracelet I had tied on Chris' arm. He thought it was hilarious. "It's your buddy!" He laughed. It took awhile to register. It was a pre-autopsy photo of Chris. He had foam rolling out of his mouth & nose. Poor Chris. Bastard cop. I went into the courtyard of the the church across from the John Hancock building and wept.

"A little bitty tear let me down spoiled my act as a clown," he would sing as Burl Ives over and over when we would be together. Over & over. He would then ask me for the four hundredth time if "Fatty Falls down goes boom." Would always be funny? "Always," I'd reassure him, "and if it's ever not funny it won't matter anymore anyway."

It's hard for the twenty something's that work on my radio show to believe that the now tedious Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, Dan Ackroyd, and Chevy Chase, were ever funny cutting-edge comedians. Wherever Chris Farley sent himself, heaven or hell, at least he never has to reinvent himself. His brand of humor will eternally bring laughs. The curse of his contemporaries is a slow tortured death by incrementalism.

Jesus, Jim Morrison, and Belushi all left this mortal coil around the same age as Chris. They all became bigger in death. Belushi's last movies were stinkers. Chris has become smaller in death and I can't wrap my mind around that. There was humility to Farley's work that far surpassed his idols. And for those of us in his generation he blows Belushi away. If he and Belushi share the same afterlife space I have a feeling Chris isn't that interested in John after all. Chris always had an audience of just one anyway
-His father.

One night Farley called me crazed. He had "broken out" of rehab and wanted to go see his good buddy Chris Rock live. "Stop by my house first."
Stop by I did. Farley was filled with stories and nervous & excited to see his old Saturday Night Live buddies. We would be sitting with Timmy Meadows & his wife.

"Those guys did all the work! Sandler worked. Spade worked. I would just show up and fall down & act like a horse's ass. I wish I could write like them." He was lucid and fresh....but not for long.

"Just a splashy poo for flavor," he would say. I would tell him "no booze period." "Just a splash! A misting" he countered. There he stood in his small apartment's stand-up kitchen and it did start out as just a drop of liquor to an entire can of coca cola. But I knew where it was heading and tried to shut it down. The bull was about to be set loose in the china shop.

Before we left his pad for the show it was reversed. A drop of soda per tumbler of heavy alcohol. He promised he wouldn't do this again. Addicts lie. He was chugging "the hooch" like a kid just in from his backyard with a fresh glass of Kool-Aid.

I remembered my last conversation with one of his agents yelling at me. "Stop doing cocaine with my client!" I furiously told him that I didn't do cocaine & that because Chris was worth so much money to him he should hire an ex-marine to slug Chris every time he tries to take a swig.

I remembered those nights when I would leave him at 9:30 at night only to see him waiting for me when my radio show ended the next morning geeked on something. Talking a mile a minute and a few times with one of his brother's in tow. They would look at me like I was the bad guy that enabled him. That wasn't the case! How could I stop him? Those tisk tisk looks from his brother's & The New York Post running a front page picture of me and Chris the day after he died kept me from his funeral. God, how stupid and selfish of me.

I remembered running into David Spade at the Four Seasons in Beverley Hills only to get the distinct felling (to my surprise) Spade hated Chris Farley's guts. Chris explained that he had stolen Spade's girlfriend and their relationship had been rough ever since. Too bad because that comedy team could have been classic. Apparently, Farley succeeded in taking that friend's girl.

I remembered how we went to a bar that he had bragged about located on Chicago's party avenue Rush Street. When we walked in they treated him like Jimmy Stewart in "It's a Wonderful Life" in that nightmare alternate universe pub scene in Potterville. "Oh, no not you again! Get the hell out!" There was lots of cursing. "After what you did here last time, don't ever comeback, punk!" When I asked Chris what he had done he claimed no knowledge of it. He probably blacked out before his really nasty antics had cemented themselves in his noggin.

I remembered him picking up two really nasty hookers off the street in his limo that I refused to have sex with so he kicked them out and threw fistfuls of crumpled money out the window at them. "I wanted to see your weenie," he joked. I think they were transvestites.

I remembered when we showed up at Chicago's Admiral Strip club where the doorman knew both of us but then refused us entrance for lack of identification. Chris went crazy and yelled at this minimum wage puke how important he was. Very odd based on the Chris I knew. But not that odd too many others.

Chris told me that the one famous Hollywood-type that really tried to help him most was Tom Arnold. When I interviewed Tom in April of 2008 he basically told me in his rat-a-tat-tat style that Farley was a manipulating addict that was very aware of his talent and was abusive to many. "14 rehabs & he was fat! You gotta pick your poison. Heath Ledger was younger & healthier than Farley & look at what happened." He went on to tell me some heart breaking stories of how poorly he treated his brothers & those around him. He said Farley's last three movies were awful and Chris knew it & was freaking out. He told me "don't feel guilty about Chris. There was nothing any of us could have done." Just as I had romanticized my father in death have I done the same with Chris?

As Eiffel's tower is to Paris, the Chicago Theater's vertical sign is to Chicago. As we walked past that landmark sign and into the Chris Rock show Farley detoured straight to the theaters bar. When we reached our seats Tim Meadows seemed shocked to see us. He whispered "what's he on?" I told him booze. "Uh huh." He said disbelieving. They were very polite but this was not the warm friendship Farley had billed it as. No time for chit chat either because Farley was back at the bar only stopping along he way for those "yes, I am Chris Farley" moments and photos with fans.

He was up & down from his seat so often & running down the aisles that it was rude and distracting. This is not how one behaves at a dear friend's show. In the alley next to the theater we met up with Chris Rock. Chris Rock was as polite as Tim Meadows had been but kept his distance. Farley was kicking some trash at his feet and embarrassed. Farley knew Chris Rock could see right through his inebriation. The gig was up and I was there to witness it. Farley reminisced about the good ol' days including taking a leak out the window at 30 Rock where they worked on SNL together. Nothing. Chris Rock, the well rehearsed professional on show night had no time for the ramblings of this slob that was like an albatross when he obviously had work to do. When a sweating Farley went to hug him goodbye it was heartbreaking. Reluctantly Rock obliged but then he was off to wow a sold out audience with his precise comedy and "fatty" was about to go get drunker & fall down a lot.

Next stop? The bathroom. We were the only white folk in the men's room. It has those old fashioned floor to chest urinals that are splashless & superior to today's pissers. He pulled every black man away from the urinals as they were relieving themselves. "It's true! They are huge!" He said as he gazed at their genitals. Right down the long row of urinals in this historic old theater's men's room. "Mancow! Look at the size of this one! It's an anaconda for Pete's sake!" My stomach hit my heels. We were dead. You don't pull black men away from urinals mid-stream & comment on their privates. At least not in Chicago. "He's gonna get his head bashed in against the porcelain!" I thought. What happened? They all laughed! If anyone other than Farley did that they'd have been killed. (Unless they were in a gay bar & asked nicely first.)
We met two beautiful girls as we went up the stairs. We chatted them up and they were good to go. Then Farley dropped his pants and fell up the stairs. "Oopsy!" Chris slapped his forehead like the V-8 ad and said "I'm so stupid!" Then he headed for the bar.

As the sad clown stumbled to the bar I slowed and let the crowd envelop me and fell back only to get the hell out of there. "Whew," I said as I hailed a cab & headed homeward. Waves of deep sadness rolled across me. Poor Chris was lost. It felt like a bar at closing time when the lights are turned on. The once friendly staff now ushers you blindly out into the cold harsh morning. That's how I felt as I ducked out & escaped The Farley Express. The party was over.

Chris Farley was the genuine article. A crazed funny out-of-control fat man. I'm a fraud. On the radio I give the illusion of being a fun loving party guy. My bleak reality is that it takes discipline & extreme effort for me to seem so carefree. Getting up at two thirty in the morning to do five hours of radio five days a week doesn't allow me to walk the walk. I talk the talk but I'm bed by 9 most nights.

That overdose ended his life but not our friendship. For me, it's a one sided journey that continues to confound as I head towards a twilight Farley didn't care to live for. And somewhere in the back of my mind Chris is always singing sadly to me: "Little bitty tear let me down, spoiled my act as a clown."

Mancow's Picks

2008-04-28T13:38:00Z

Mancow's Latest Music Pick:

The Kinks - Low Budget

"Cheap is small and not too steep, but best of all cheap is cheap."

The Kinks brought this out as a response to America's faltering during the Carter years. Guess what? It's back! Radical Muslims, high gas prices, and the world not respecting us. This subject matter seems fresh again.

Feeling pinched to pay off that home loan? Listen to "Pressure."

Sick of jerks in yo face? Play "Attitude"

Feel like your life is a movie? "Moving Pictures"

The dollars falling? "Catch Me Now"

Ever wish you could fly? "Superman"

Cant afford the gas for your SUV? "A Gallon of Gas."

Mancow's Latest DVD Pick:

Near Dark

A gory bloody 1987 master work! Dated? Sure! But the 80's are hip again! Were they hip then? This was the coolest movie nobody saw. "Lost Boys" was a smash and this would play along side it as the ultimate 80's vampire double feature.

The bloodletting at the bar is a vampire feeding frenzy worth your time. Bill Paxton & a beer mug-o-blood!?! Yes!

Tangarine dreams soundtrack here is alos interesting. Not as great as their work on "Thief" but still cool.

Mancow's Latest Book Pick:

Crazies to the Left of Me, Wimps to the Right

Some say "Damn Bernie Goldberg." He interviewed me for "60 Minutes" years ago. He broke bad with them after he was made aware of their one-sided agenda. His other books were enjoyable but I was in no hurry to read this one. Too bad for me. It's great! It's like I'm reading a transcript of my show! It sounds like me talking.

Islam?
Katie Couric is Jackie Robinson?
Fox derangment syndrome?

Mancow's 5 Favorite Songs

2008-03-19T13:38:00Z

Had a Dream by Roger Hodgson

Heart of Gold by The Kinks

It's My Life by Talk Talk

Time Has Come Today by The Chambers Brothers

The Way It Is by Simon Townshend

Reality imitates Hollywood: Idiocracy

2008-03-18T13:38:00Z

I'm always asking myself which country has the lower IQ: The USA or Great Britain. Well, score one for America. The city of London has recently made intensiv new efforts to protect their own citizens thanks to numerous recorded incidents in which London citizens have rendered themselves unconscious by walking into inanimate objects on the street. It gets better. All of the people injured collectively walked into street poles, telephone booths and building walls for the same specific reason. They where walking while sending cell phone text messages. So now you're probably thinking "How the hell do you protect people from doing something that stupid?" London has an answer. I wish I was making this up...........they're going to place thousands of pads on the street poles around their city. Seriously.

Really think about this for a second. That means that somewhere in London a city councilmember stood up in front of a group of his or her peers and proposed the idea. Then, they all collectively agreed the problem was so serious that they needed to throw money at it. Here's a thought: would the city be better off if these lemmings all just walked off the side of a building somewhere while mass text messaging their 'mates' and sipping a cup of whatever the hell elitist yuppie British folks drink instead of Starbucks? You already know the answer.

Ignore the Price Tag

2008-03-17T13:38:00Z

Near my home in Chicago, "Old Orchard" is the little cousin of the Monster Mall "Woodfield," both of which are named after what they paved over. While shopping at Old Orchard, which is neither old nor does it have any fruited trees, I saw a sign that made my jaw drop.

"Ignore the price tag!" "What? Who could be so stupid?" I thought sadly, already knowing the answer: most of us.

Your first crack rock is free just like the first credit cards were. They had to get us hooked. I can even remember an ancient time when getting your money from a bank was free. And given to you by a smiling human neighbor person. Before the machines cane and charged you four dollars to get twenty dollars. Remember the ATM's were free at first? You have to get people into the habit of being so stupid. Like have a family in the oil business become President and slowly raises the price four hundred per cent a ll the while claiming ignorance and concern while holding hands with the Saudi King that's raping your country. You have to be conditioned. My friend Barry helped launch Perrier is America. The French believed we were stupid enough to buy bad tasting water in a fancy package even if the water we get virtually for free from our faucets was better. Barry didn't believe it. Barry was wrong, but he still got rich underestimating the American consumer.

I think of all my people losing their dream homes because of balloon payments. My friend Al plans to live the rest of his life just paying off the interest on credit card purchases his wife made ten years ago. Prices are going up salaries aren't. Depression looms. There was a rent-to-own place near my house that got in trouble for selling two hundred dollar couches for thousands of dollars. It's like the car lot that sells cars based on that low monthly payment that never ends. People you gotta look at the final cost of everything. But then there are the hidden charges and the brand new impossible anti-bankruptcy laws.

We've all seen ads where people are in a shopping frenzy having a ball until some loser stops the crazed consumerism by using cash. How dare they? Looking around at a county where our babies first word's are now products instead of "mama", where TV chocked full of ads is the babysitter, where public schools grade on the curve to help the most ignorant, and home schooling is soon to be illegal, I've come up with a way for somebody to get very, very rich. The i-phone? No, someone already came up with it. It's a lousy phone, camera, and computer i n one long-term over-priced package. Wish I had thought of that! And nooooo, it's not just printing tons of money. They've tried that and we've just ended up with a fiat currency that's not worth the traceable paper it's printed on. No, if you wanna get rich in America, make a diabetic- inducing sugar -packed caffeine drink and put the words "energy," "power," and "extreme," on the can. That said can should also be brightly colored, and have a speaker on the side that plays noise. Loud noise because we Americans don't have a volume control. It should be endorsed by the scummiest nobody that passes for a celebrity. Someone with no talent. Just a crude, obnoxious jerk. You should only be able to buy it with a credit card. "But how much will this awful status symbol cost?" You ask? Ignore the price tag! Future generations will find out how much it cost. Now you consume America or the terrorists will win.

Mancow's NCAA Final Four Selections

2008-03-16T13:38:00Z

Mancow has picked his Final Four for the NCAA Tournament:

Texas
North Carolina
Kansas
Duke

Title Game : Texas vs. North Carolina
Winner: North Carolina

**Sleeper to make it to the Sweet 16: Kentucky**

Why Pit Bulls should be eliminated as a species

2008-03-06T14:38:00Z

A Pit bull decided he would battle a Porcupine in back of his house in Southern California.

But being both brave and STUPID, he ultimately learned the hard way that he can't always win...

No matter how tough you are.

A vet sedated the dog, and then removed a total of 1,347 quills.

The dog survived, and hopefully learned a valuable lesson.
Obviously, all brawn and no brain!
Now tell me you had a bad day!!!

THE IGNORANT MAN

2008-03-03T14:38:00Z

Don't be an ass after you loose your ass.

(Sure you look perky now. But wait...)

Botox: The Fountain of youth.

(Botox and other ways science keeps us looking younger)

Don't be a Sag Hag!

(How staying around younger woman keeps your mind young & keeps you around a steady supply of young men)

Dust the loser not your house.

(Rich girls have maids)

Time the avenger

(Get it now because you won't be hot forever)

Shopping as an investment.

(What classic designers you should buy now, with his money, that will never go out of style)

All I want for Christmas is everything!

(What to ask for that will go up in value.)

Takes one to know one.

(Keep him away from other golddiggers even if that means his step mommy.)

A.B.C. "Always be Closing"

(Always push for that diamond ring from Harry Winston)

Nice Kitty.

(How to keep your "special area" pretty & keep him coming back for more.)

Men like zombies in movies not in bed.

(How the more noise you make and the faster you move equals more dollars from him.)

Mans best friend isn't a dog.

(Why do rich old women die in mansions with just a little dog for company? They're smart.)

The man whisperer.

(How to use simple dog training techniques to break your man.)

Show off!

(Men are natural show -offs & they use their women to do it. " Trophy wife" is a good thing! That term can make you millions.)

It's a Happy Happy day.

(Men are stressed out from earning you money. Why putting on a happy face, no matter what, is crucial.)

Let them eat cake.

(And by "them" we mean the fat girls. Most wealthy men want skinny women. Don't believe me? Look around.)

The male ego is A need machine.

(How to compliment him. He's skilled in bed and everything about him is like Texas.)

No Change.

(Men don't know how much things cost so you should never have change. It really adds up too.)

"That's Gross!"

(How to use pornography to do your dirty work with him when you are tired.)

It's all about the butt.

(T&A? Forget the T! All modern men care about is the buttocks. Tips on how to keep your caboose firm so the gravy train keeps on chuggin.)

Friend or Faux?

(Why you should never get implants. Fake breasts are for his side-action. Wives have real breasts no matter the size. And wives get all the money.)

We need to talk.

(How to let him down hard so he doesn't keep coming back wasting your time.)

Splitsville! 30/80.

(What to look for in a divorce lawyer.)

What's yours is mine.

(What states to marry in so you get more! More! More!)

Takes one to know one.

(Don't let his real Mother ruin your gig. Learn how to alienate his Mother, make him hate her, and think it was his idea, all at the same time.)

Thank you for being a friend.

(How to turn his rich friends into potential future husbands and make more money with very little extra effort.)

You got to know when to hold'em. Know when to fold'em. Know when to walk away & know when to run.

(Men love the song "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers for some ungodly reason. In this chapter learn how that song gives invaluable lessons. He'll think you're cool for listening to it never realizing you are using it as a roadmap to his hard earned treasures.)

Love is for poor people.

(How many friends & family members that went for love have you seen broken hearted & just plain broke? Not you though. Love is for your gardener, the romance novel writers, and complete fools. Learn to love Prada, Gucci, and Louie Vitton!)

Why flirting is good for your finances.

(Rich alpha-males should always believe you might be cheating. He'll spend more & more on you to prove he's worthy.)

Diamonds aren't a girls best friend.

(Stocks and bonds are. Find out where to put your money so that it's doubled by the divorce.)

Gay men like aids.

(Why straight powerful men hate every girls best friend: The gay man. How to enlist vicious queens to help you in your plotting all the while keeping it on the down low.)

Your lesbian future.

(All men have the fantasy of two women at once. Tell him you thought about it once college and want to in the future. Never do it though! Affluent men still consider bi-sexuality a non-wife quality.)

Start his motor and keep running...

(Men have no imagination. Learn what sexy things to say to stir him up but then never deliver.)

Leave Them kids alone.

(How to convince him to send his children from other marriages away to boarding school "for their own good." Should you have kids with this man? Risk, reward, & weighing whether its worth the cost to your figure.)

How to turn tall dark and handsome into busted, dumpy, & done.

(If he angers you this is how to destroy him.)

That extra mile!

(How threats of sexual misconduct can guarantee a bigger payout for you. "He looks at little boys in "the park" the lie nobody can disprove.)

Rob him blind with your eyes wide open.

(What to expect. The backlash. The empty threats.)

What's good for the goose.

(What you can learn from the males of the animal kingdom.)

Five to Thrive.

(Five things to look for to make sure he's your future nest padding sugar Daddy and not just some preening posing wannabe.)

Mamma Mia: The dead end musical.

(Sure girls prefer musicals but rich people only go on opening night.. Sporting events are better because luxury boxes are filled with rich potential future husbands.)

Who is Chick Friend Guy?

(You have no male friends. Heterosexual men only play fit friendship w/ women for future sex. How to manipulate this as leverage with your rich husband.)

Please sent your comments to theignorantmale@aol.com

NIU Shootings

2008-02-22T14:38:00Z

The N.I.U. shootings? A tragedy. A tragedy on so many levels. As a father of two daughters I find it very sad that these people had to go out cowering in fear. The answer? More guns. Good people with guns. Sound crazy?

Edward Jenner discovered you could fight viruses with viruses. Cow pox fought smallpox and thank God. Good people protect themselves everyday with guns-it's just the media doesn't report it. We need to report on the victors not the victims. All the media-hype around every school shooter is causing more meglomaniacal killers to act out. This is a fact.

The Virginia Tech shooter sent out a press release with head shots. I spoke with one shaken N.I.U. student, a young woman named Tamara, who was told to go back "into her classroom and wait." Why? I asked. She said "because they told me to!" Poor brain washed girl, another victim of our public schools. Taught not to ask questions and taught to be a follower. "Yeah sit there quietly and die." If there's a shooting around me I'm going to run and I'm going to teach my daughters to do the same. Remember everyone on 9-11 in those buildings in New York were told to "just stay put...help is on its way?" Well, it wasn't on its way and they all died. One report I read said the average 911 response time in my neighborhood is fifteen minutes. You can shoot a lot of innocent people in fifteen minutes. Gun-haters will tell you more guns will lead to more killing. It's just Not true and psychologists got my back. Well adjusted sane people snapping and going on a rampage is not supported by any case evidence. "The gun could accidentally go off." Nope. Modern safety features prevent that. Some have argued that a good law abiding person with a gun in the midst of the slaughter at N.I.U. would have only made things worse. That's crazier than the killer.

The potential for a lamb to stop the lion mid-massacre has a huge upside. No vigilantism. Just protection is my suggestion. To let our daughters be cornered in an inescapable cinder block room and wait there to be killed is inhuman and un-constitutional. Oh, one more thing-N.I.U. was a gun free zone.

Mancow at Band Camp

2008-02-22T02:38:00Z

Sex & drugs & rock N' roll!

(Well, Rock N' Roll anyways.) I've interviewed stars before but it was never like this! I made life long friends with some of the greats of modern music because of Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp. (Rockcamp.WS)

Except for the birth of my daughters I've never cried from joy like at Rock camp. Imagine singing lead while Nick Mason (founding member of "Pink Floyd"), Alan White (YES), Simon Kirke (Bad Company), underrated great Mickey Dolenz (The Monkees), Elliot Easton (The Cars), and members of Kiss, ACDC, Guns N' Roses, The Knack, The Hudson Brothers, The Archies, The John Mayer band, and many others, groove along.

Do you have any musical talent? I don't! It's not about that really. You break bread, share stories, and dream, with some of your heroes. You'll be there side-by-side with school teachers, future stars like Lady Fox (a hot single L.A. singer!) Ed Oates one of the founders of Oracle, Berent O. Bodel of American Seafood that provides all the fish for every fast food restaurant, and just regular folk.

The whole shebang is produced by David Fishoff the impresario who reformed "The Monkees," Sent Ringo out on the road with an All Star Band, & repped Lou Pinella and Fred Dryer. How about a private show with rocks greatest living legend The Beach Boy's Brian Wilson? He zombie stumbled onto (&off) the stage but when he preformed it was a religious experience.

How about talking to Nick Mason (Pink Floyd) about crazy Syd Barrett, pissed off Roger Waters, and being part of the greatest rock song ever- "Comfortably Numb"? When I asked about their CD "Dark Side of The Moon" synching up with "The Wizard of Oz" he replied "you smoke enough weed mate and watch any movie and parts will seem to match!" Alan White, on recording "Imagine" (with John Lennon): "Three takes. Two rehearsals and we kept the third."

Brook Taylor was there from the hit HBO reality series "Cat House." At the brothel she's a blond hard bodied prostitute but at Rock Camp she was a singing sensation! Glen Hughes (of Deep Purple & Black Sabbath fame) is my brother form another mother. He did more drugs & groupies than Jim Morison and yet made it out looking 30 and rocking harder. Wait! Conference call with "The Moody Blues" and then its off to record an original song. With 5 brain tumors, Doug Fieger leader of "The Knack" (who sang "My Sharona") asks me to get my church to pray for him.

Why is Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy here name -dropping? My guess is the free food. Hef's three girlfriends from "The Girls Next Door" want to come see us perform at The House of Blues on the Sunset Strip? Okay!!! Roger Daltrey from The Who & Slash were here and I missed it? All walks of mortals mingle and bond and are changed forever for a price that's less than what I paid for two Paul McCartney tickets in Chicago. And I didn't get to be up on stage with McCartney! Now I'm home raising kids, getting nagged at by my wife & doing my grueling radio show-can't wait to live the dream again at the next Rock camp!

(888)762-BAND

To see photos of Mancow at the Camp, Click here.

Holding a Starbucks Cup

2008-02-22T02:38:00Z

"Look at me (holding a Starbucks cup.) I've just been ripped off. I'm cool. Corporate-cool." The veneer of Starbucks is starting to peel. Sales are down and I'm ok with that. Look I'm a Capitalist, but their coffee just got bested in taste tests by McDonalds. Also, I refuse to speak their silly Starbucks language. To get a medium coffee w/ low fat milk is to get a "non-fat Grande latte no whip" for example. A Barista is supposed to be an artist, of sorts, skilled in crafting you a personalized cup-a-joe.

To call the snobby Starbucks worker pushing a computer's button "a Barista" is a joke. Kinda like the street cleaners at Disney World are called "cast members." Sure. And the "Barista" wants tips? Forget that snotty-not-that-hotty! Why are they selling "Eckah & The Bee" on DVD there? Paul McCartney is on their cd label yet admitted he doesn't drink their bitter joe. They've jumped the shark with drive-thrus, and breakfast sandwiches, and lost their cute boutique charm and oversaturated their markets... Their stock is dropping and they are opening fewer stores-100 less this year than planned.

Coffee shops used to be local hangs for creative- types to talk over and endless cup of coffee that cost fifty cents. Corporate America bogarted it, homogenized it, and ruined it. Next time you order that frappe latte with a stale $3 banana loaf slice with that heavy taste of factory, look at all the people in the plastic -living- room like illusion of community and wonder why they are there.

Don't these people have living rooms? Their blank faces look like my boyhood hamsters trapped in a Habitrail. Wake up! We are a nation of hard -working speed- freaks that need our caffeine but why not go find a Mom and Pop place, save some doh ray me, and be part of a REAL community?